2001-12-27 - 11:27 a.m.
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A iBelmo! guide to "Moonwalker"
So I woke up and watched Michael Jackson's "Moonwalker" today. It's toooooooo terrible for words. WEll, maybe not TOO many words...
I laugh now because that stupid remake of Smooth Criminal had such commercial success (and no one fucking knows why) it appears as though Michael Jackson can do no real work for some time and still be a millionare because he is a freak. After buying all rights to the Beatle's songs out from under Paul and John's feet, he was fine.
The person who got him into song rights purchasing?
Paul McCarntey. He sold him a big deal.
They're both millionares. Almost billionares. What the hell would Paul care if he sold off the biggest money making scheme to a freak black guy in a white guy costume? He was still going to be rich.
And of course, let's look at the plot a little here. It's all about the smack. And of all people in all of Hollywood to play a child-beating, army commanding, fortress hideaway-maintaining gangsta motherfucker that sells Heroin and "just wanna get everyone high man" is Joe Pesci.
He was in Goodfellas, and ...Home Alone 1 & 2. You saw him in Casino...or 8 Heads in a Duffle Bag.
David Spade was in that. Can't say that much anymore.
But again, Pesci plays his extremely slicked back young George Calrin impersonation. Not him, but someone trying to do an offbased imitation, based on one of his angry old man voices when he says funny true things.
He chases after Michael Jackson like any man owning an army woulde with excessive force.
Because everyone knows Smack dealers purchase armies in the obviously inner-city setting, hiring everybody's "baby's daddy" to go fight in the mean drug war.
How did Michael Jackson go from boy band to drug wars?
You remember how he helped spawn Satan's death wish upon people: boy bands. The Jackson 5 was one of the first boy bands in existance. The recipe was cooked up by wifebeater and childmolester Joe Jackson, who forced his kids to be a money making shame/scheme come true. Spawning all of these Pop Hits, with the small black kid with the afro and a jumpsuit getup, Michael helped push forth...
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...with Tito, the butt of every joke in some areas of the world, and Jermaine which is silly because I don't think he really did anything in that band that was all that good...
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...the boy band.
So as Michael Jackson gets chased, he finds himself possibly about to die, with his tough guy gone kind gangsta ass up against the wall, possibly running from Smack Pesci's army because Jacko bought a "horse" (*wink*) for his "Nervous-land Ranch" (*wink**wink*). Drug dealers deal JUSTICE to delinquent payers in the name of the law. Smack Pesci rules all.
So trapped, possibly all strung out, he looks to the sky after Smack Pesci finds him and he sees ... awwwwwwwww a shooting star. Everyone smiles as they know that Michael will reach down and pull out some magic to get away.
He does so by wishing on said star that he was a car (HAR HAR) a bulletproof jet engine strung out car that explodes out of the Dead End alleyway and flys to an abandoned bar, where street children (who already know Michael bu name. I don't know if this is autobiographical, seeing this display of pedophile overtones, but he DID pay for the whole thing and this is Michael, the richest blackman of the 80's. He's anartist. What a better way to show us how he wished he was a strong man during his heroiin days. Sell it back to people who worship him, the screaming faces. Lined up like all others in that backstage action shot in those Behind the Scenes home videos, like Live Tour movies. Those aren't fake, those have happened in real life. It's a shame someone gave up thier right afternoon to be Spice Girl's Backstage Crowd Extra 26501, the one with the big glasses and the magazine in the front row. I bet someone out there's heard a story like that, and I just made it up.
But he blows into this old bar and it turns into a kicking and lively club with 30's style gangster orgy going on.
These kids look in as Michael teases women and destroys things for no reason at all, such as when he breaks a cue ball barehanded and shoots a guy coming at him with a knife
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...and it bothered me that VH1, the channel playing this was allowed to show extreme guns shooting content, graphic beating of children and imminent drug installation into youth and not be allowed to even say the word gun or show one, let alone fire one on MTV, it's sister channel. People actually dying on TV, on an entertainment channel. A channel about music.
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He does a victory dance over the dead body that is ridiculous and definitely not smooth.
Well, the Smooth Criminal dancing through this scene is then discovered by Smack Pesci's army and he brandishes a huge Tommy gun, knocking out tons of people but ending up getting a small white girl abducted by Smacl Pesci and Michael vows revenge.
He shimmies up the mountain with these kids that said they showed Michael how to dance and then proceeded to do the dance,every step of it, perfectly to his. They peered over and then got caught and brought to Smack Pesci's Smack Fortress. This is where we find out why Smack Pesci is attributed to smack dealing. He got Michael on the floor, kicking him repeatedly on TV. Michael then gets smacked with a gun and falls. As the girl is about to be injected with heroin, Jacko sees the shooting star and saves the day by turning into a robot, firing bottlerockets at people and blocking bullets with supreme accuracy as to how gun firing squads work, all in exquisite terrible digital cartoon. Some more explosions and then Jacko gets hit with futuristic lazer guns (probably heroin powered. You can't expect stuff like that from anything less) and Jackson falls. Robojacko is befallen.
Then comes the fun.
Smack Pesci wants to fire some ridiculous beam on somewhere and then Jacko reappears as a plane now and gives his patented "WAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH" crotchgrabbedly in blinky light form and Smack Pesci dies. Evil is punished.
This all ends with Jackson returning to the 30's gangsta club with the children (whos parents are never present), abducting them and making certain everyone knows where he stands on THAT.
It was followed up by a Destiny's documentary/rockumentary.
Boy bands, girl bands.
"Same shit, different day, father forgive us"
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
