2002-11-30 - 4:30 a.m.
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Second of the day
"You thought these girls gone wild before, wait till you see these girls gone wild when snoop dogg gets released on them with a video camera." -The Girls Gone Wild Commercial
You know, things nowadays are looking mighty silly to me. It's not the silly "we've allowed a bunch of business tycoons to buy us and trade us on the open market" kind of silly. It's the "We've allowed reality to mimic Saturday Night Live parodies" kind of silly. The kind of silly we laughed at but secretly feared.
Let's take a look at Girls Gone Wild. After watching the E! network till 4 in the morning (well, I started at 3:30, so I don't think it counts for too much; I was walking around Lynbrook all messy with Mehr before that) the paid programming came on and it was a Girls Gone Wild extravaganza. They were hocking their 15 tapes �.
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Which was founded by an outright motherfucking loser looking guy. In all honesty, I expected this fucking guy who was dripping with STDs, and motherfucking muscles exploding everywhere, who could melt panties at fucking 300 yards with the thought of some girl, solely because the only way I could possibly see girls taking their top off for some guy's camera would be because he could fucking make them extremely horny for whatever, however he did it. Yeah, this is a big pile of shit. This guy looks like the piefucker kid from American Pie and Adam Corolla from the Man Show both jerked off in a cup and someone dusted the cup with crystal ugly before some lady accidentally sat in it. It's god awful. I couldn't goddamn believe my eyes. Snoop Dogg introduces the guy and he shrugs like "AW shucks, Snoop De o double gizzle. You're just the keenest." HOW DO PEOPLE GET THIS LUCKY SELLING TAPES OF GIRLS DRUNK ENOUGH TO LET THEM TAPE THEM GETTING NAKED? How did someone wake up one day and realize that if you threw a bunch of random clips you can get running around Mardi Gras, then you can sell it to millions and make millions? I can't believe some dork looking motherfucker is now sitting by a pool laughing his ass off. Or sleeping on a bed stuffed with 100 dollar bills. Fucker.
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And then they go "Wait, we've got the DoggyStyle video. In all honesty, motherfucking Snoop Dogg. I couldn't make this up if I tried. The quote above? I copied it word for fucking word, they said it about 6 times through out it. I got it down. This is what they want you to think like when purchasing this breastacular video.
Spell Check does not acknowledge breastacular as a word.
But even today, at the Harry Potter coming attractions, there was a movie with the guy from Tomcats or Sliders or whatever you want to remember him as. He was with that wacky black guy from See Spot Run or Romeo Must Die or whatever you want to remember him as. They're in a movie soon together about a fucking kangaroo. The kangaroo is wearing a jacket that the black guy put on him. Only problem is: the jacket contains like 50,000 bucks that he needs to bring somewhere.
Wait for it�..
So they team up in all sorts of hijinks to get it back, involving things that would probably kill a normal man in real life, but in this cartoonish world of flop, they survive. There is a definite love interest for the white guy from the one girl who helped them out, who was white, because the black guy is wacky and no one wacky gets the girl.
Wait for it�..
And then, when you think all hope is lost on this movie, that it's so bad you'd change the channel on it if it played on antennea TV on a rainy Saturday, the end of the movie preview has the kangaroo kick the white guy down and RAP. IT FUCKING RAPS ABOUT BEING A KANGAROO. This was not a joke, there was no laugh track. No one was certainly fucking around. This was some serious shit. And shit it was.
This is the caliber of movie that would be a suggestion in SNL skits, or fucking comedy magazines like Mad. It's gotten where Mad isn't so mad nowadays and Saturday Night Live is just like what happens on a Saturday night.
I fucking want off this crazy thing, Jane.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
