2002-12-02 - 10:20 a.m.
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RE: being kicked in the nuts
You know, being let down is really a bitch. You look forward, you prepare, you sacrifice and in the end, well, to avoid sounding like Nu Metal, it's a kick to teh balls. A kick that takes the wind out of you; a stomping to your ideals, your beliefs. When you can't imagine going wrong and are suddenly led astray, by people you have considered family, people you went out of your way to provide some assistence to, well, to avoid sounding like a fucking asshole, it kind of hurts. And then read that sentence and replace kind of with "absofuckinglutely without a doubt, higher than any level of suckitude in the past present and future" and so on.
Whats really troubling about Harris not showing up to the show I more or less made for them, with some points of the planning seeing them as the only band on the bill, isn't that I've been let down by them, which is partly true although the show will still happen and will probably suck now, but rather I'm fucking upset that I don't get to see them. I didn't get to SEE them and I didn't get to see THEM. There's two different Harris' to me: the one that plays all the music and you go to see to have a good time and the actual people in the band, who, when the instruments are dropped and forgotten, are probably some of the more hysterical, fun and perverse people I can think of.
In short, they're from Lowell.
I said to myself that this was a pretty big day. I said this in Psychology, a class I'm failing. I wasn't going to go to classes today because I wanted to clean the house and also book practice room time for them, so they can jam the fuck out a little before going in to fuck shit up. But I went to Psychology because, basically, I'm failing and I got home only 20 minutes ago, so it wasn't like I'd miss much. This was a pretty big day because I haven't been to Lowell in almost a year now, being that this semester has been anything less than accomodating for travel. As a matter of fact, this semester is hands down the fucking worst 3 months of my life, despite all the golden moments I've seen within that time limit. This house has drained me of all my kindness, making me cruel and biiter when I'd normally be kind. School isn't demanding at all, it's just that I lost the spark to try after having had my spirit smashed this summer. I'm falling like a plane shot down by a rocket launcher and I don't know where I'm going to land. This day is only sprinkles on top of the shit cake that I'm eating right now.
But again, the real sorrow here is that I don't get to see my friends. I could give a shit less about the show. Fuck the show. The show is moot. It's going to be a cookie monster core band playing with 2 pop punk high school bands. It wasn't going to pay the bands before and it isn't going to pay the bands now. I'm upset that I don't get to see Harris play but again, I'm fucking broken over the fact that I can't see my friends. I've been waiting for Lowell to come up here for a long time - the old school showing the new school just what they're doing wrong. I've held the doors open for a long time, offered bed and food, offered parties and fun. I've counted days and seconds, stretched from end to end just to accomodate. The day is a shitty day to play an out-of-state show, for sure, but it's a day that has been set for almost 2 1/2 months. Maybe longer. Maybe I've even lost track of how long it's even been. I fucking miss you guys and now I'm just left with some bullshit flyers to a farce of a show; some horseshit proposal that got denied 24 hours before fruition.
I don't feel betrayed or insulted in the least.
I just feel alone.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
