2003-10-21 - 11:41 p.m.
*
*
*
Change of Heart
The days stretch long and the nights become short despite the fact the sun leaves early. It's damn near winter and I'm chilled inside - I'm so cold in my heart and my soul and my bones. My love doesn't love and my head doesn't work and my job isn't work and my work isn't good and I'm failing at life and I'm tired and torn and I'm broken and stoned and I'm tortured and scorned. But I don't let it touch me, I don't let it kill me, I won't let it take away drive to drive on. I will conquer myself and I'll conquer my deaths inside of my own head and I'll find my way out.
I don't feel right in my skin anymore. I feel like I'm constantly running around for someone else's happiness and not getting anything for it. I've been doing jobs at work for people who could do what I'm doing but choose not to and I'm kind of wondering if this is a test or if they are relieved they can dump it on my shoulders. Either way, I say bring it on and test me. Test me right now. I dare you. I'm ready to kick the shit out of every thing you have under the sun. I'll stomp all problems you have, all questions you wonder, all ideas you want to see done. I can do whatever they want me to do for them and if I can't, I can find ways that will do it for them. Honestly, I'm just tired because I'm trying to keep up with the life I led before: a life that was night based and I would sleep till 3 PM and go to bed at like 5 AM and I'd be able to go out however long I wanted. It was great fun but it didn't accomplish anything. Now, I'm trying to be able to stick with my own lifestyle while trying to be able to survive my own job. I think I'm holding on well enough but honestly, it's taxing. I'm sabotaging my life. I get moody, I get stupid in regards to how I usually feel I should act. I'm sure that makes no sense. Just know this. I'm not the same Belmo I was a few weeks ago and even that Belmo wasn't the Belmo I'm used to. I guess that's a good thing, because "growing" is all a part of life and that's what you should do is change. But damn it, I don't feel like I'm moving towards a person that I like and I think that the person I'm becoming is a true asshole and I really don't like that. I've already stepped on a few toes and made a bunch of people around me uncomfortable when I deal with them. I really don't know what I'm doing that's making everyone around me so annoyed at me.
I guess it doesn't matter all that much. I'm just trying to get through all this shit. I have however many years left on this planet and I'm trying to just get the hell off of it happy and so far, I'm doing a shitty job. Even the people I love are getting a raw deal from me and I feel sick to my stomach that I treat people I hold so dear to my heart so terribly. I have previously treated people so well and now I guess it's all gone to shit. I think there was a time where I thought I'd be nothing and that I wouldn't get a job and now I have a job and I still haven't gotten out of that mindset and I can't stop acting depressed and upset, which wasn't an act. It was full on depression, where I'd be laying on my couch and staring to the ceiling and I wouldn't even know where to start with helping myself. And I just went through a week where my parents went away to California and I was in the house by myself a lot and I had a lot of time to play with my own head. I had a lot of time to think over a lot of things and I didn't like the person I had become and I kind of got wrapped up in being upset with who I had become and I just got angry. I wasn't angry at anyone in particular, despite treating everyone around me like shit. I don't know why I do that, I guess I just do that without thinking and that thought alone makes me upset because I don't think it's a good way to handle things.
In the end, I seriously need to cleanse myself mentally as well as physically. I haven't had a good night's sleep in about 3 or 4 weeks. I need to get myself clean of these thoughts and ideas of stupidity that are taking over my actions. I need to take control of how I treat my life and the people involved. I need to grab my job by the balls and swing it over my head. I need to kick the shit out of life and laugh about it.
Time to line my kick up.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
