2003-10-24 - 1:05 a.m.

***

I jam with stupid

I lost myself today in a fury I've never had for someone I've ever loved before. I've been leading a life I was made aware of after I lost someone tonight. It's funny. You think you know yourself because you're you and who would you know better than yourself? But it boils down to this: can you tell me how you're feeling right now? How about an hour from now? How about a day from now? Who will you be when you feel that way? Where will you be? What will you be doing? YOu can't possibly answer those questions until one day, you wake up and you realize that you're some other you and the you that you have taken as the same old you is lightyears behind. I don't even like the me I am right now, and I didn't like the me I thought I was anyway. I don't really like myself all that much as it is because I find myself to be a very boring person who disappear into the shadows of time one day and just cease to be. I am not famous, I don't have any talents that really do any good for anyone other than myself and I'm not even much of a dancer.

That being said, I managed to utterly destroy the past 6 months of my life in a blink of an eye, in a haze of jealousy and selfishness, in a swirl of stupidity and rashness. I've been pushing myself to inhuman limits lately at work, trying to get off on the right foot. There are people watching me at all times and advising me. I feel as if any breath I take is catalogued. The lady at the front of the office today started commenting on my sales speech I was supposed to read and I thought to myself "Wait a second, you're listening too? The lady behind me is listening and the guy in the corner is listening and the people in the rows of cubicles are listening too and no one told me how to do any of this and I'm just trying to do what I can to do my job and everyone is listening and commenting but no one is showing? Why is this happening?" I felt lightheaded at work today and I sat at my chair and watched the screen go fuzzy and I could feel the life in my fall, feel the urge of my heart to make the next few beats fade. I was ready to go at any minute, into darkness or the light or nothing or whatever happens. And it wouldn't have mattered.

It really would have, however. I hold too much in life dear for me to say there's nothing that matters to me. It's just that I've been ignoring it all because I needed to do something with myself and I forgot about everyone else. I forgot about Erin. Oh, I'm a big stupid fuckface of a shithead for doing that. I was so wrapped up in my world, so cozy in my big big shit of a problem that I let my heart slip through my hands and I'd look everywhere else and point my finger all around me and say that this was hurting me or that was hurting me or she was hurting me and really I was hurting me. I was hurting ME. And Me hurt everyone around me. Especially her. In a move that will forever be burned into my skull as the single most stupid thing I've ever said to someone as well as the most heartless and most ignorant words to come out of my mouth, I tortured a girl I'm crazy about with my words and actions and I threw it all on her shoulders and said it was her fault. I shit on her verbally and I mocked her and I told her she wasn't doing anything for us and in reality, I was being the same asshole boyfriend I've always detested whenever I saw them whipping their submissive girlfriends. I have Erin to thank for being nowhere remotely close to submissive and standing up to me because I was a monster. I was an absolute monster and it took someone holding up a mirror to my face to show me that I've become an ugly mess of myself. My heart is in a million pieces because, basically, I called Erin this morning and I killed our relationship. I did it. I'm guilty and I'm the reason I'm in absolute torture right now. It's like a Twilight Zone, where someone was trying to save the world by preventing something that was bad and it turned out to be good and the world ends. I wanted her to call me and talk to me and be with me as much as I could and I never realized that she wanted something else and the world ended.

That's a hard fact to swallow. It's a hard thing to fucking take, knowing that the reason you're so fucked in the head right now is that you fucked yourself in the head. A lot of it comes from my own insecurities as a person, put on me from all the times I was secure. I've been shit on by a lot of people and my heart has been kicked about by many girls and it's taken it's toll. They make me a weak person.

At the same time, that is also who I always was. I've always been too romantic, too loving, too caring, too involved. I've always been too committed to my relationships to the point of stranglation. A day without talking to someone I love deeply and madly is like torture for me. To wake up and go to bed and not know how that person is feeling and doing is like the ultimate way to kill me inside. To be away from that person is even worse. Despite this, I've held long distance relationships for a long time and I don't know how I have done it.

It's also different in this situation than it's ever been before. I'm at a stage where I've gotten through the puppy love, the gagagoogoo eyes and the I heart you renditions of love. I've gotten through the flowery Renaissance poetry loves that are so over the top and so exaggerated that the emotions are no longer there. I'm at the point where I'm looking at the rest of my life and I'm looking for someone to get there with. Fuck, marriage. That's just ridiculous to me. I could actually get married right now if I had the opportunity. I have no more school to take, I have no more childhood left. I don't have any of those things any more. The training wheels have come off and I'm looking ahead to the rest of my life. That's fucking ridiculous. That's simply fucking ridiculous to me. But it's a truth. I found in Erin what I never found in any relationship before and that was true love. It wasn't bogged down with hormones and sex drive. It wasn't spruced up with high school bullshit. The way I felt about her is probably the way a husband feels about his wife and that freaks me the shit out. Honestly, we've were going out for 6 months and that's like shit for a marriage. My parents have been married almost 30 years. I don't think they felt like this about each other 6 months after dating. You think my dad thought about what house he wanted for him and his girlfriend at 6 months when he was with my mom? You think he saw his son, HIS SON, pining away like this when he was 6 months with my mother? I fucking don't think so. And at the same time, I was so busy being super duper in love that I didn't pay attention to who I was in love with. I was enthralled with being in love. I was ecstatic with being in love. I felt like I could be shot with bullets and do a dance afterwards because of love. And it's because of her love. It wasn't some faceless love and I was in love with the act of love. I was in love with her. I still am. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone on the planet ever and that goes towards family. It's the truth. It's the fucking truth. But I was so in love that I focused on that love and took it as common knowledge. It's like breathing. You don't breath and go "I took a breath". You just breath. You only notice breathing when you aren't.

And that's the worst part. That's the part that really really kills me inside. That's what has turned me into the biggest piece of shit ever to walk the Earth. I lost myself in the rush. With all this leaving behind childhood bullshit, with all this being badgered day in, day out by my parents as well as my own sense of self-worth, with all this pressure of doing something with myself, I was too busy to notice that I was twisting a knife into Erin's back, twisting her around on the very essence of our love. I'd want to talk and she couldn't talk because she'd be busy and I'd be so upset that she couldn't talk that I never asked why, I just got upset that she couldn't talk. Granted, I'm not thrilled that I get no time with her, but the reasons are that she had work, she's in college and she's doing her own thing. Is it trust? Did I not trust her and I had to reassure myself by making her call me everyday? Fuck no. Absolutely fucking no. I trusted that girl with my very soul that she was absolutely faithful. I laid my heart down on the line and I'll never know if she did cheat on me or not, but I KNOW she didn't like people know there's a god. I don't need to see it, I don't need written proof, I don't need surveilence video of her every move so that I can be sure without a shadow of a doubt no other man's hands have ever touched her body in the past 6 months time but mine. I don't and I didn't. But it was almost like I was addicted to her phone calls. I needed a fix and she couldn't give me the daily dose, so I flipped out. I'd become destroyed inside. She didn't call me an entire weekend and that whole weekend, I ate only two slices of pizza and a spicy chicken burrito. And Monday counts as one of those days. I ended up eating a Tombstone's stuffed crust pizza because my body was weak from not eating. I worried that she didn't want anything to do with me and that she didn't love me anymore. CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE I WAS THAT FUCKING STUPID? As if, having not talked to her in 24 hours, she'd suddenly go "wait, I haven't spoken to him in a day. Fuck it, I'm free motherfucker. Time to go fuck EVERYONE."

I think about my actions and how I treated myself and her and it makes me feel like I acted like a sterotypical relationship girl - the 'ideal' that people have that the girl is supposed to worry about the guy all the time and supposed to get upset if he doesn't call and get torn up inside and be depressed if she doesn't hear from him or get told that he loves her. When the hell did I allow myself to become the girl in the relationship? I was the metaphoric girl in my goddamn relationship and I let it get that way because I was too wrapped up in my trying to get a job.

And when I got the job, fucking shit. That didn't help anything. I'd come home and complain about this and that because starting a new job is difficult and you have a lot of shit you have to eat by the bowlful for a long time before you walk into work one day and realize you're just another worker there and no one considers you the new guy. And I basically took all that frustration home and dumped it on her, because I had no one else who would listen to my stupid shit. And it is stupid shit. It's all stupid shit. Job stories are all stupid shit that mean absolutely nothing because jobs are scheduled events that go 9-5, get up, go there, get shit done, go home. You do the best you can and make sure you never fuck up and if you do, you fix your fuck up and you go home. Every story you will ever have about your job if your job is pointless or repetitive will never matter. There's no life to the stories and anything intereting someone could take from the story besides it being a story about your day at your job would take experience with that job and the last thing people who work that job want to discuss outside of work is their job. I, however, didn't realize that. Either I didn't realize or I didn't stop to notice, but either way, I must have bored Erin with these conversations and wondered why she never called.

I'm really the stupidest person I've ever seen and at this point, I've said enough about it. I've estranged myself into Justbefriendsville with a girl whose life I'd save with my own and it's all because I couldn't see it was my own fault.

Never forget who you are and forget it anyway, but don't forget who won't forget you.

BMC

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