2003-03-04 - 12:12 p.m.
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From Start to Finish
"Father�s feuding family (or feuds with him with family) are far from fine and dandy
(sitting back here watching front)
The rage at random rushing round our car (bound for town and home) is loud enough to shake your head, wake the dead, wish you�re dead.
Shaking violent, screaming bloody, body captured by conceit
He yells back at us to calm down when we are playing travel games
It�s all the same, it�s just new names, it�s just my uncle or my aunt
�I wish I hit [him], wish [he�d] shut up, wish [I] wasn�t so pissed off��
We wished and prayed that idea�d stayed and played games time and time again
Wished he wasn�t so pissed off (a pisser watching your link leak)
He�d blow a streak the whole way home, he�d curse at cars, he�d spout out wars, he�d wish them dead, he�d call them crazy, then yelled at us when we�d retort
With squabbles, shallow troubles, child battles, youthful war:
We�d flick our ears and chew gum loud and infiltrate the other�s side
We�d kick and pinch and push and punch, we�d slap and hit and stomp and cry
He�d turn around with evil eyes, with no intent to sympathize
Or empathize, just apathy, just angered at my sis and me
playing Father�s feuding family without him, just her and me.
-a poem I wrote today for class that I didn't know I had in me.
I have over 30 pages of work sitting next to me that I just accomplished in the past 3 hours. Oh, it is true that a good 7 or 8 pages of that is poems and that the other shit is just crappy stupid work. But to see a stack like that is impressive to me, because it tells me I'm not a lazy bastard.
So.
This weekend.
Unfortunately, I cannot tell about this weekend because, seriously, it was all kinds of fucked up that I will remember (pifkocops, sororietyhijinks, sittingoncounters) and although I just wrote those things to remind me about these after I try hard in vain to fight through the nights of drinking that have taken residency in my brain cells and refused to let me remember them, I can't go into them because.
Because. That's fucking all.
I was told by one of my friends that I'm one of the most daring people she knows because I can spout ad nauseum about myself to uncomfortable closeness and not flinch. I didn't know if she was telling me I'm full of myself and I just like to talk about myself all the time or I'm stupid enough to tell everyone everything about anything about me. Either way, it can't be a good thing.
IS this even fucking natural? I mean, THIS (this diary, not this life or this country or the royal "this"). Look at this. I have over 300 entries so far dedicated to what I did that day or those days or recently or whatever. And it frightens me that I even started it and didn't think about how deep I'd hit, how close to the bone I'd sink. I came into this with the best intentions: I don't give a fuck. As a matter of fact, it was hilarious at first. I think it was Darcie who showed me this, way back in way back in the day. And now, I don't even see her, barely talk to her. It's like some parasite that grabbed ahold and stuck with me, the urge to vent and mouth off and spew ideas all over a black background with white letters. And it felt good. But now it doesn't feel natural.
I get about 5 emails a week from some stupid bot about how my website could receive more traffic if you sign on this dotted line and they rob you. Forget the fact that it's spam and that it's bullshit. Why in the hell would I even consider advertising this? There's barely any entertainment to this enough to make it a "hot site on the internet!" It's just me talking. And talking and talking and talking.
And lately, I haven't had all that much to even say. How many ways can you say "I go to school. I'm almost done with school. Everyday, something funny happens, but other than that, I lead the same life as any of you do, if not equal then less than yours." And if you really boil it down, REALLY boil down every conversation you've ever had, just how much of that has content to it? Just what can you say that has any relevance to anyone? You can debate about things you see on TV and in the movies, you can talk about the weather, you can talk about gossip, you can talk about your emotions, you can debate unanswerable questions, you can talk about music. That's about it. That's really about fucking it. IF you're hurt, you can complain about it. If you're sick, you can complain about it. But I haven't seen or heard anything from anyone that has made my head explode with interest enough to care about something. Oh, there's things said that grab my attention. I don't want to make it sound like anytime someone's talked to me, not a thing of importence has come from them. But it was important then. Now, it's a memory, something else in the endless dribble of topics to mix in.
And I know I sound depressed right now, but I guess I kind of am. I don't feel complete at all. I feel like there's something, somewhere, someone out there that I either left or haven't got to and I can't find it or even know what it is, but it's a faint smell in the breeze or a taste in my mouth. I reaching in all directions just to grab on to something to hold onto, something to right myself, something to correct myself. It's not because of the state of the world, it's not because I'm single, it's not because I'm graduating, it's not because of any of those small things. YES. They are all small things. War? There have been wars FOREVER, since ever and ever and ever, since ever even existed, since before the fucking idea of existence was thunk. I'm not impressed by this war and I refuse to fight in it or for it or against it. I think you're all crazy and I want no part in walking around with a paper mache head of George W. Bush so that I can get the shit kicked out of me by a cop who's afraid of me because I came to spread my beliefs peacefully. I refuse to kill people who killed people to prove why killing people is wrong. I refuse to worry about conspiracies and atrocities done behind my back because, to be painfully obnoxious to you, if we didn't see it, we'd never know anyway. And if you didn't know, you wouldn't know what to be afraid of. And despite whatever steps they took to take whatever away, I'm sure they weren't the first to think of it and had it been YOU in their spot, they'd be the ones spouting conspiracy theories and the like. We've all become so incensed with anger and worry and fear and isolation that I don't feel sorry anymore for anyone. I can't cry for people who get annihilated now. Too often, innocent people die each day. People who haven't even done a thing. The nicest people you know (because let's face it, even the most rotten assholes of the world become saints when the family they beat and tortured are bleary eyed with an old picture of what they USED to look like before they were taken out, while that person was mistreating them anyway.) still die.
The shittiest people, however, still die too.
I don't want people to take this the wrong way, which isn't hard considering that I'm kind of harshly addressing things we put away and don't like talking about (the world trade center did not have a no assholes allowed policy) but at the same time, I just wanted to point out the apathy of all this. The world, for whatever reasons or ideas of whoever made it this way, will never be like anything we've ever seen. There is so much frustration and anger and resentment that has been caused at the hands of EVERYONE. We're all to blame. This is just because of the way things are run. It's called survival of the fittest. When someone else is doing anything they can to be stronger and they make you weaker by doing things you couldn't do or thought you weren't allowed to do and the other person did it before you could do it anyway, that's going to piss you off. When someone fucks up your program because you wanted to run things in your own house one way and they decide that's not the way it should be done, that's going to piss you off. When you retaliate in any way, shape or form, that's going to piss the other person off. I'm not going to get on the whole "WEll, there are blah blah amount of (insert nationality, age group, civilian term or anything here) that die each day because wuh wuh wuh...". We're all very well aware that right now, while I sit in this computer lab typing words into some imaginary page in some world created by a computer's brain completely removed from reality and void of all physicality or form, there are countless acts against humanity that are playing out right now. And now. And now. And now.
We're just primitive beasts that can make really good toys, but despite growing up, we still don't play well with others.
This started out as a mark against myself, condemning how I get too close to my inner thoughts here and how I pretty much let everyone into my head, but in reality, if you walked around in there, I doubt there's much worth finding. I'm not daring, I'm not awe-inspiring, I'm not amazing. Not in the least.
I'm just going from start to finish while trying not to let the race there get me down.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
