2001-05-05 - 12:20 p.m.
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Scared S less
I am really really afraid for the first time in my life.
Not like when you go into dark areas and you freak yourself out with ideas of monsters and stuff coming to get you.
Not like when someone gets hurt and you pray to god they're ok.
Nope, I almost killed myself last night. Not a suicide thing, I was just really drunk. And after an "incredible" night (if you call slumping your self across someone else's toilet and depositing your dinner into it incredible) I just kind of went upstairs to my room and went to the window. We don't have a screen in one of our windows (for reasons unknown; it just kind of fell out one day) and it was such a nice night out that I just hung out in the window. Now, I don;t know how many people have looked down from a 5 story drop completely drunk, but it looks like a LOT more than it really is and I kind of thought it looked cool to be up so high. I started thinking how easy it would be to fall out this window and how cool it would be (like those amusement park rides, the one where they strap you into that harness and you are taken up like 200 feet and dropped and you swing to safety) and I really almost did it. Since I was drunk I didn't think anything about it, but when I woke up and remembered what I did, I just lay there, shaking. I couldn't believe how close I came.
I'm not gonna lie; I'm not happy with my life right now. But I would never be so unhappy as to kill myself. I've never been more afraid of myself in my entire life ( and I have done some REALLY really stupid shit before, but this was too much).
I really need to get myself together. I need to control myself better. I think I'm gonna go lie down for a while.
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
