2002-03-11 - 12:17 a.m.
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Brasier Party
"ALL I KNOW IS THAT I DON'T KNOW... ALL I KNOW IS THAT I DON'T KNOW NOTHING!" - Op Ivy
Head pressed to the garbage can as foulness and funk comes tumbling out of my mouth. Hair pressed to face with sweat and my body is in tatters. There are people all over the place and the weather goes from heat to chill, absolutely beautiful to absolute zero. I can ssee glimpses of people through a drunken haze, mostly faces, mostly voices. Some laughs and fingers. The sway.
The same Cd came on for the 4th time. No one is paying attention but me I guess.
I'm coasting alone, my head falls into the garbage again and I lose it. I duck my head into a big lapse, pulling it out in the 5 minute half hour, losing sense of time and everything. Faces from memories come at me in awkward ways, shoot in at me from weird angles and ask me scary questions.
The world's on it's side as I swish around my situation and I taste bitter solitude, deeper than I've ever imagined. I can't explain my vacation to anyone; no one would understand this. I've left behind ALL responsibilities, even basic function, at this point. Rude nature and disgrace don't bother me.
The womb is the only contest for this feeling.
I'm moving constantly in my seat, shaking in constant weakness. My body is repulsed by what its capable of and then my mind soon follows it all. I look at all I've been doing lately and its like my body has finally caught up to how my mind has been feeling.
I stare into the void of a plastic bin and I lose my mind in the hollow, blank space. I toss it away for a little while and go on a head trip I don't remember, in a place I've never seen before, with people I've never met.
The ashes are all over.
I wake up at blurbs. More people laugh, some toss jokes. I smile and wave my finger. I feel distant from them, my mind sunken about a mile behind my eyes. I'm forced to evaluate myself from the confines of my own head and I find the contents stupid. I'm wasting away here.
I can't feel my heart because I haven't felt it for so long. I close my eyes and smile with a morbid realization that this is everything I wished I had when I was angry all those times, felt trapped. This was the life I fought so hard for. I laugh as I fall over to the right, and the world goes away for a few hours.
Hands interrupt as I get brought to bed. I smile knowing that the next few hours are going to be frightening and sharp, images I can't control and have no bearing in reality at all. Vivid dreams that blare and shout. I don't sleep because I have to dream.
I find sleeping a waste of time anyway.
I got away from being a being for about 3 hours. I got laughed at and made fun of but it was everything I ever needed right now. I needed to completely shut off, to the point that I don't even need to care. I knew that it didn't matter if I was conscious or not. I got a vacation from life that a week away sober and awake cannot give you.
Spend a few hours collapsed on a garbage can to find your salvation.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
