2002-03-13 - 10:11 a.m.
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I swear to something that I can't take it anymore
"Secret handshake.... *slap* GET MICKINLEY LAID!!!!" - from Wet Hot American Summer
Lately things are moving too fast for me and the world is shooting past me like a speeding train that whizzes past, full of wind and fury that pushes me around.
I can't believe it's already Midterms.
I don't really have any. The one I took for Public Speaking, I got a 84 on.
YAH!
But now I have like 4 papers to do
BOO!
I also am sick still, not too much but enough to notice that I'm tired when I shouldn't be.
Either that, or I should stop doing my 12 - 2:30 Am radio show to save my sanity.
I can smell my feet from here.
BOO!
I think I'll take a long shower after this and then a nap and then who knows. Because lately, I sure as hell don't know what to do with myself. I have a lot of things that are making me question if I'm doing the right thing at all here, and then that leads to the question "Well, if this THIRD choice isn't right, then just what the hell am I good for?"
I can make a good grunt. That's about it. IF there's mindless work to be done, I'm your man.
See, that's the worst part. I'm good at filing and office work. I work hard at mindless crap becuase it has to get done and sitting around bitching about it doesn't fill up the OUT box.
But office work is fucking the dead end of all dead ends to me. It would crush me completely to be stuck behind a desk, conforming to a tie and suit, tied down to a cubicle by IN boxes and memos. I live solely to experience, since I've lost faith and love. I have no savior above or in my heart and I can appreciate it, but now I know what I want and it's tough to grab.
I've been reading the Stranger by Camus again, probably my favorite book of all time. Meursault, the lead character, shows no real emotion in the book. His mother dies and all he can complain about is that the lights in the room her wake was in were annoying and the sun during the walk to bury her was too bright. By the end of the book, he's in jail for killing someone and he gives up all the sentimental and superstitous malarky that bogs down our everyday lives and he is truly free from all oppression IN JAIL. HE doesn't fear God; God simply doesn't exist. He isn't afraid of salvation or death or anything. He lives life in the "Absurd". He knows nothing he does makes any difference to the overall scheme of things and he is content with doing just what has to be done.
I can relate to this somewhat, because I've abandoned all hope in faith and even in the decent and good of humanity. I think each and everyone of you, myself included, is a bunch of assholes.
I mean that in the nicest possible way.
I think that we claw and bite at every chance to climb higher than anyone else, be better, look better, sound cooler or sound intelligent. It's just programmed into us; no one wants to be told they're second rate to anything.
I hereby don't give a shit, as I haven't before and will not later on either.
I don't care now about the small details that go blah in the night, the things that make life rush that much faster because they have to be attended to for the sake of looking good. I do laundry when I can't stand the sight of my own clothes, not becuase I wore a shirt for 15 minutes and then took it off, so now it's gotta be clean.
I've actually seen this happen. It's fucking sad.
My feet smell bad though.
But if all I get is smelly feet and dirty clothes for the sense of relaxation it provides because I don't have to worry about what people think about my feet or anything, that's fine. I don't care if I die alone, my feet smelling up my cofifn so much that no one would want to even come to my funeral. People stink. We smell bad, we sweat. IT's natural. Otherwise, if we were suppose to smell good, we would have been given a natural roll on deoderant ball in teh palm of our hands to freshen up when we get smelly.
The point is not that I'm gonna be all smelly, it's that I want to be happy again, away from a billion things buzzing at once, and get away and write or read or nap or eat or watch Tv, play games, talk to people, live life comfortably. When this whole college thing ends and goes PBBBBBBBBBBT, I'm going to be tossed head first into a job (if I'm lucky) where it's just a matter of time before I'm dead.
This is not something to look forward to.
So I think I'll just enjoy what I can for now and just hope to SOMETHING I do it with a smile on my face.
I'll start with showering.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
