2001-12-20 - 9:23 p.m.

***

King Belmomandias

I'm listening to "How to Disappear Completely" again and tears are rolling softly down my cheek.

I remember when someone once told me that when I do shrooms, I will never see the world the same again. Thier eyes were wide with excitement and they had this burning behind them as if this whole new world was opened up and nothing but good was there.

I can't see that.

I used to have this fire in my stomach that prevented me from failing. I would take my lumps and get made fun of and put down and people made my life hell when I was a kid. Not cool enough for the cool kids and not so much of a dork that everyone hated me. I always had that fire and it grew brighter with each snicker, each laugh, each pointing putrid finger. All that devaluing critique would incinerate in my stomach, and I'd laugh and remember that I'm not gonna change and if they wanted to put me down it's because deep down inside, they had to do it for themselves. I know I've put people down too, but I always feel guilty about it. I don't always think that's a universal idea.

I did shrooms and I see the world with new eyes, true, but it's not this magical and mystical world that the fire in that person's eyes showed me. It's this twisted and unfair bitch of a planet chock full of way too many people to accomodate the good things and too many bad things that swallow good things whole. I've given up on many of the things that made me happy: guitar, sports, running, writing. I see this world now with sad eyes, embers slowly coming to a cold pile of ash in my stomach.

I hardly believe now that its a chemical imbalance. Everyone tells me that depression comes from a chemical imbalance and that when you take medication, it straightens it out. Fuck that. I can't see the world any different now. Chemicals or not, it's not going to change. The people who take the medication are dead and just don't know it because thier bodies are being fooled by medicine.

I used to have high hopes for life, with sights of a bright future in whatever doing whatever, because I got to do something, regardless if it's nothing or not. Nothing is something.

I listen to this song and my body slows inside, blood coming to a crawl in my veins. I wait for my heart to stop it feels so slow, but I can't die because there's something in me that won't let me quit if I know I have something to do. I don't know what it is, but when I find it, I know I will do it and that will be the day I die. It's kind of morbid to think in those terms and it bothers me but I thik it to be true.

It's probably hard to hear something like this from me because I don't like to talk about it, but I can't really think of anything else now. This song has me completely captivated and it's taken over my brain and all I can do is just try to take these horrid thoughts and wretch them from my mind a letter at a time. I have always felt like this, because I've always been picked on, laughed AT (not with, although I do know that I've been laughed with plenty of times) and ridiculed, just as anyone has. I jsut don't let it roll off anymore. I used to but those days are over. I try to put on a face, as fake as it is, to do the only thing that makes me happy, which is making other people happy. Not that I don't smile an honest to god smole now and then, it's just that when I sit at night on my porch under the stars or I watch leaves dance on the wind, I look through them into this invisible place and just wait for that feeling that I'm doing something wrong just by being here to go away. I feel I'm squandering some great gift by going through the motions of a modern life and stepping in trails with prints already there for me to follow. It's not a destiny, it's a trap and I feel like I need something to break me free from it, a name I don't even know yet, or know that I know.

I don't want to make this depressing, but it's really just to help myself and I don't know whether it's working. I'm in this weird part in my life where I see so much potential in myself and others and I know that it will all die one day and we'll all look back and remember dead days and wonder which path would have lead where. We'll scoop up old ashes and sift through them and try to make sense of why they even happend and what they lead to and why. Memory will replace blank pages and the back cover will slowly come to bear itself and this long story full of silly games and unnecessary clutter in a metallic and granite nothing will stop being written and get put down. I don't believe in god, heaven, hell, sin, remorse, faith, power or anything anymore. We're all one big mistake that has no rhyme or reason and the more we bang our head on the question to why we're here, the more we forget to ask what do I do now that I am here.

I'll leave you all on this note, because I've probably upset some people and as I usually don't care, I've actually upset myself that I've used this jarring opening to throw my emotional baggage onto, out where everyone can see my perfect little shit. I just want to go through life doing the bare minimum now, because busting your ass jsut to make yourself happy by being successful ends up the same as starving or being diseased. We all crumble softly and trickle to the ground, flake at a time. We fall slowly like a soft powdery snow and land on who gives a shit and disappear in to no one really gives a fuck. Even the most famous people back in the beginning are forgotten and if this planet somehow was destroyed, we'd be erased from existance.

BMC

Last Few

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