2004-06-01 - 10:14 a.m.
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Mondays - Not just for Monday anymore
I found my Grade CD the other day and I�m just listening to it now, 9:46 in the morning, on a Tuesday acting like a Monday. Things have changed much but very little since I first found this CD on Thursday, a world away from now. The whole weekend shoots by in my head. I had more time this weekend, more me time, more time away from this place with the phones going and the charge of business pushing me along. And I did nothing with it � absolutely nothing. I even had to bring in my dry cleaning for my upcoming trip to Utah this morning. Couldn�t be bothered to do it this weekend.
The recent show with Pretty Polly serves as a stern reminder that I need to control myself better. I kicked my amp, stomped on the direct box and got pissed on stage and played a sloppy show. I usually use my anger towards playing with more power and this time, I just got angry. Angry at being abandoned, angry at the crappy equipment, with the pressures of things going on, with the flow towards disaster I see a lot of things leading themselves towards. There are a lot of things bothering me right now, but they are ghost worries � things I can�t put my finger on. Whatever they are, they bothered me enough for me to jump on my amp and stomp on someone else�s equipment mid-song. That�s never a good thing.
What the hell is going on? I don�t have much breathing room lately. Things are getting hectic too much and it feels as if I forget one minor detail lately, it escalates to this snowballed problem. If I mess up once, I mess up 15 times over again.
I can�t find my student loans online. I found this website a couple of weeks ago and I saw my information with my own two eyes on the screen. Despite following my e-footsteps in the snow and trying to get back to that point one more time through my old movements, I can�t stumble upon my information again. I�m about a month or so behind on payments and I don�t want the company to get pissy � not exactly the kind of mood you want someone you owe money to have. But I don�t want to have to mail in a check every month. Give me the ease of digitally kissing my hard earned money away. Besides, at 37 cents a stamp, that�s like 10 bucks I don�t need to spend and would rather apply towards gas money.
I have to go to court tomorrow maybe. I got a speeding ticket and was assigned to appear in court tomorrow at like 5 PM in Saugerties, a good 2 hour drive from here. While it�s a 2 hour drive up, with traffic, coming back will be like 3 hours or so and I�m not looking forward to it. Plus I have to leave work early and I�ve been doing that too much lately. In fact, I�ve become downright rotten about leaving work early. Between doctor�s appointments, running around trying to get my sister to work or school or whatever, daily chores and whatnot, I�ve been stupid about being to work on time. It�s not like I try to be late or anything but two Fridays in a row, a chain of events caused my alarm clock not to go off. The volume was down to zero one morning and the other, my dad had killed the breakers trying to install a new fan in the upstairs bathroom, making my clock go 12:00 ____ 12:00 _____12:00 over and over again, but not go EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHclick to wake my stupid ass up.
Fun.
As a matter of fact, in reading back over everything, I�d have to say everything is not fine. In fact, everything right now is pretty fucked. I�m heading out of town again, the 6th time in a month and a half and I don�t even have shit together at home one step. My room is consistently destroyed and filthy, it�s getting harder to do anything because my head is all messed up from restraining myself from normal eating and drinking routines due to my cholesterol, my responsibilities are stacking high without warning, my bills are stacking high without warning. Shit, this sounds like the diary of some fucking old old man, complaining about his property value or his mortgage rates or his diet or his health or the kids doing this and that again or the so on and so forth. How the hell did I let life get so complicated at age 23? I�m not even old enough to be old in anywhere in the world. In fact, I�m still young as hell and I�m living a life even 30 year olds don�t need to worry about. Fucking horseshit. It�s all fucking horseshit and I�m dead tired of it. I�m tired of all the hassles of just getting myself out of the bed in the morning. And lately, I�ve done nothing but complain about things. As a matter of fact, for a long time, I�ve been a very negative person. I never used to be. I never used to get riled up by stupid petty things and now I can�t help it. I�ve got too much bottled up, too much anger and frustration pent up inside. I bite my lip, turn the other cheek and count to 10 but I might as well count to a million because when I�m done counting, the only thing gone is 10 seconds. All the wrath of everyday life is violently held in the recesses of my heart and mind, ready to charge through at the slightest inclination.
I hate Tuesday Mondays.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
