2002-03-21 - 8:04 p.m.
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Everything goes away in the end...and you can have it all...you know the rest.
I have "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" stuck in my head, and the irony is killing me. How can I be plagued by a song written by the same person who sang the Locomotion? I don't even like the Locomotion.
That song is almost 20 years old. I looked at a cigarette dating calendar, the ones that tell you the date your ID must be past in order for the guy to sell you cigarettes. It's up to 1984 now. I can actually remember things from 1984. I can feel myself aging.
I'm not old by any means or measurement. It's just that to FEEL older when you feel like you're immature and the whole world still sees you as a kid is frightening.
I set a lot of goals for myself this break and I've only really achieved about 3 of them. I watched plenty of movies and downloaded a bunch of music videos (one of which was M.E.T.H.O.D. Man, my favorite Wu song up there with Triumph). But that's not all that much. I feel like a failure; I didn't fail someone else, which I don't care about. I failed the only true judge of self: my self. I had hopes of finishing my 2 short stories, at least getting a chunk of my poetry book done, maybe start up again on the novel. These are things I love to do. I also should have sent out resumes looking for a job.
I haven't and I don't know why.
Maybe I know something I don't know yet but am subconsciously letting go because I don't want to ruin it for myself. I feel out of it more than I do based in reality lately. I'm living too much in my head than in real life, where pains and trials are real and not glorified like in movies and books. I'm losing my sense of self too. I smiled and laughed today for real for the first time in a long time. As a matter of fact, I can't remember laughing at things so much in a single day in years.
I rode to the DMV with Mehr today to get my license renewed and got helped by someone who looked and sounded like Louis Armstrong with a long wig on. I hummed Mack the Knife under my breath and laughed to myself when she told me "Don't Play Funny Son" when I tried to make my new picture look silly so that at least it would be interesting.
I've given up on everything I've been interested in in the past. It jsut dawned on me. I was in Sam Ash today and I bought new guitar strings in I don't know how long. The memory of being in a band hurts more than the memory of being in a relationship, now that both are gone. It's as though I'm de-evolving as a person. I'm becoming duller and duller as the days stampede on.
It's March 21st. Last I checked, it was the 18th. I took a 3 day headnap. People always say "where did the time go" but I don't want to think about it.
It's just more time wasted.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
