2004-07-10 - 12:18 a.m.
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Orlandoooo my god get me out of here
The night was a fantastic night. Everything seemed spectacular and the gala event put on by the Florida Association of Mortgage Brokers was extravagantly superb. So much to see and do at these events that it's hard to enjoy everything but with a meal like what was served tonight, it's hard to ignore.
My phone rang and I answered it, getting the attention of my boss. I'm sure he wasn't happy I'm answering phones in the middle of dinners like that. It doesn't matter too much - phone calls with Restricted as the number are from a select few and I'd pick up the phone in an instant for any of them, regardless of the outcome. And I won't be angry about it as long as it is important.
The dinner picked up, with everyone on the dance floor and suddenly I found myself at the table with 4 old people and this woman whose dress came undone at the cleavage. She kept fussing with it all night like a little girl constantly playing with a Sunday church dress she'll eventually grow into.
I felt alone again.
I don't know what it is that does it to me on these trips. Mostly it's the solidarity, the constant echo of silence in a hotel room when the lights go out. There is nothing dead like a dark room in a hotel. It seems so final that you are alone, despite there being nothing but a foot of plaster and wood separating you from the other people on any side of you. You are far from alone. And on this trip, I have to split the room with Andy, so it's not like I'm alone here at all.
But I feel it.
And it makes me feel guilty. I could easily start talking to people instantly. In fact, it would be better if I talked to people. For many reasons. People get a little wild on trips and hook up with people, so that's a bonus. Only thing is, you'll be looking at that person at every single show afterwards. EVERY SINGLE SHOW AFTERWARDS. Think of the joy of looking someone in the eye when you have to get a picture for the paper and in your head going "Hey that was great when I went down on you in Orlando" and then saying aloud "Ok, everyone smile, squeeze together now....you, move over. Ok, SMILE" and then continue on your way. Then there's the business side of it. I could talk to everyone downstairs and hit them all with a business card, spewing my name around everywhere I can. But the last thing I want is to do the same talk every day. Every single day in every single town. "Hi, my name is... I do.... I sell... I think I saw you at...." These people remember me from 4 years ago, from cities I've never been to in my life, names I don't have, people I'm not. I don't blame them, though. I don't get angry at all. They meet close to 2000 people at these shows. We personally send around 4 or more people to these shows, different people at different times. It's hard to remember just which publication I am, let alone who I am from what publication. And the last thing I want to do is talk about it all over again though. "Hey I saw you in Tucson..." I've never been to Arizona. "Hey, remember when you danced with that blonde in Fort Lauderdale last year?" I've never been to Fort Lauderdale, don't know how to spell it even and I have never danced with a blonde in my life.
It took me 5 minutes to think about that last one. I've seriously never danced with a blonde in my life. I've never even hooked up with a blonde. In fact, I don't have much of a good record with blondes, despite being attracted to them more. Actually, that's not true. I apparently only haven't fooled around with blondes.
I don't know what to do about this. I love to travel, but I find that the only constant in every city is feeling alone. I've had great times and terrible times. I've talked to a thousand people and I've talked to 5. I've gone up and down the spectrum of conventions.
And all I've always felt was alone.
I go home, I still feel alone but I have friends to dull the pangs of loneliness. I guess everyone has that. I'm not really anything special in that department. In fact, the one thing I've learned from everyone I've ever met is that we all get alone and unless we have someone there for us, we stay there.
I'm just going to go to sleep.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
