2002-12-30 - 3:09 a.m.

***

Grand Theft Auto Vice City Theatre

So let me just tell you about how I'm pretty messed up right now.

I'm all sorts of sick. I haven't slept a good nights sleep in almost 2 weeks now, on account of the holidays and of GTA Vice City and all. My whole family has come down with this disease I like to call "Double Barrel Shotgun", in that it invokes projectiles to shoot from both your mouth and your ass. None of us can do anything because we either want to vomit all over the place, and if we do puke, it will be sitting down because apparently our assholes want to vomit too.

Oh and happy new year soon, too, by the way.

It's probably the worst thing I've ever had to suffer, knowing that if I had to stick my head in a toilet, it's probably going to smell like shit. And that's comforting. It's like some kind of holiday Monteczuma's revenge.

And speaking of GTA, which I did a little while ago, let me just tell you the answer to the question "I wonder what it's like outside". The answer to that question is "I don't fucking care". There is NO reason to leave your house once you own GTA Vice City, unless it is to buy some more Ammodium AD or soap for your clothes. All other reasons are irrelevant. Food shopping? puh. Just order take out or ask someone else who hates video games to help you out. Excersize? Just jog while you play. MAkes the gameplay go faster. A job to pay for all this? guh. We live in the technological era. Just sell your house a piece at a time on E-Bay, like some kind of electronic crackhead. Start with your other games, you won't need them.

This game is certainly one of the best games ever produced. Ever. It completely takes the third one and puts it on its head. Everything about the 3rd one is either done better or it's at least done differently so that you don't feel like you're just playing some kind of expansion pack for the third one. I have to say that I like the 3rd one better still in some regards, because Vice City is too bright and colorful. The mood was better in the 3rd one, where even in the day time, it still looked a little dark. The beach and the bright colors seem to make light of the fact that you're playing a game where you can kill people and get away with it.

One of the best features in the game is the fact that you can buy buildings. You can physically buy buidlings, which just allows you to save there. So far. Who knows what else it will allow you to do. I heard some people tell me that when you buy a house, there's a helicopter on top at all times.

Yeah. There's a goddamn helicopter in the game. And a boat. And motorcycles. It's fucking ludicrous.

One of the buildings I bought cost me 2000 more than I had when I first found it. I was in the middle of a mission and you can't buy things then, but I knew I had to buy it. I knew I'd forget where it was, so I decided to hop out of my car and start mugging people with a nightstick. I ended up raising over 2000 bucks, killed myself off and then just came back and bought the place. That's a funny story. The landlord of the building mugged the entire neighborhood to raise money for the building. If that happened in real life, that would be all sorts of fucked up. In this game, it was rewarded.

It truly is such a phenomenon. This game, which undoubtly will be one upped and one upped as sequels come out and technology gets better, is some of the best video gaming I've ever played.

CUT TO

UPSTAIRS BEDROOM IN HOUSE
A MAN awakes to hear a shattering of glass downstairs. He is alone and begins to get upset. Reaching for a blunt object, he grabs his alarm clock, ready to strike. He gets out of bed, where he hears the rustling of objects downstairs, then they eerily cease. He quickly rushes downstairs, as quietly as possible, trying to see if the ROBBER is still inside the house. As he gets to the bottom of the stairs, he notices the lights are on dimly, and the TV in the TV room is on. Puzzled, he gears up to strike as he investigates.

Startled, the Robber looks up and has a shocked look on his face. The Man looks to the TV to see that he is playing GTA Vice City.

CUT TO

2 HOURS LATER

Both men are on the couch, laughing their asses off. The sound of sirens is coming from the TV. There are empty bags of snacks and dirty plates all over.

Both men bump fists like friends and throw an arm around each other

A COP comes through the door behind them

Man pauses the game and looks back at the cop, then nods at him and goes back to playing

CUT TO

HALF AN HOUR LATER

All three men are shouting and laughing while the cop siren sounds from the TV. There are even more empty wrappers all over.

The Robber stops short and looks at the cop.

All three men begin to laugh

Robber raises hands to show that his hands have been handcuffed

All three laugh again

FADE TO BLACK

It's that goddamn good.

BMC

Last Few

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