2001-10-21 - 12:40 p.m.

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The Word of the Day is: Douchefuck

"How can my friends be / so far away / and though I know the answer to this stupid question / how much more can I take..."

Truer now than any other time I know.

I look back to last night and to last year and to last decade and further and notice that things change at the speed of what the fuck happened to me. I can't explain why I am so out of it lately, skipping out on my diary. I've been so much in my own world; I set things to get done and I focus like a lazer on it, ignoring everything that I hold dear. I curse my ability to accomplish the task at hand, even though this is what I should have been doing a year ago.

I would still be home if I did.

And I never use that term loosely when talking about Lowell. Old School. You never forget your old school when the new one is sucking at your soul. This place is one big chaotic clusterfuck. Friends joining frats and then depledging. No chance for romance. No band or decent music scene. I sit here and I can actually hear myself getting decultured. This place is so out of the loop for everything I love.

People here have never heard of the Flaming Lips, so trying to explain why it was so funny when I was listening to Ben Folds Five's version of Tangerine and everyone looked at me like I had 5 heads, it was unsettling. I feel like I've seen more than I should have and it makes a big ass smile shoot across my face, but it is a bittersweet smile.

How can I be a bastion of light here? I don't matter that much. And why did I pat myself on the back there?

Very UnBelmo.

Yes indeed, being so far from where I should be has caused me to become very UNBelmo on too many occasions. I don't think it's a matter of "Lowell needing a Belmo kick in the ass" anymore.

I think I need a dose of Lowell. I've run out of my purity.

I'm also tired of the party scene here. I could have been in a slip and slide party last weekend instead of the big steaming pile of nothing that went on here. Fucking christ, I havent had a decent time in well over a month. Nothing amazing, nothign spectacular. The closest thing I had to a good time at a party here was when one of the houses put sand in the basement for a beach party kind of thing.

I'm reveling over filthy floors.

I haven't seen any need to go out and find a girlfriend or even a girl to come home with, even though I'm dying for it. I don't find too much of a connection with a lot of girls here and the ones that I do already have boyfriends, becasue that's how it always works.

At least these guys aren't assholes. That's how it usually works for me. Some asshole finds this shining light of a person and treats them like shit and that person, so stricken with love, can't see that they are chained to an undeserving douchefuck.

Wow, that's the first time I ever made an angry face at my keyboard.

I think its about time I took two days in lowell and called someone in the morning.

Doctors can't cure this.

I need musical scientists.

BMC

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