2004-02-22 - 2:53 a.m.
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Feel better
I worry.
I worry all the time. And I'm even worried about it.
I don't know anymore. It seems like there's some kind of solution to some kind of problem that I don't seem to see. There seems to be this overall depression that is taking over me. And not just me. Almost everyone I know. A lot of people are very uneasy and unhappy with life. I'm not talking about expecting everyone to be content and have no need for new experiences or anything. I'm talking like it seems as though everytime I talk to someone, they seem less happy than I can remember them being months ago.
I just hope it wasn't me talking to them that got them upset.
But really, I want to know what is going on. I really want to know. Not just for everyone else's sake, to make sure they're happy, but for my own. I feel upset if I think people are upset. And call it selfish but I help other people to make myself happy. It's the strangest form of selfishness.
Don't get me wrong. I'm the regular kind of selfish as well. I'm irrational and jealous and envious and greived and disappointed. I hate things and I love things. I'm not some kind of automaton that just goes around helping people as the only method to please myself. But I try to balence it out as best I can, try to get and give at the same momentum so that I don't sabotage myself.
Although, come to think of it, I really don't like myself all that much. I don't HATE myself. This is not a suicide precursor or some kind of self degrading mental jerkoff or something. I really and truly don't like myself. You would think that it would be impossible, that you're the only one in the world that could never hate you. But it's not true. I hate me. I hate some of the things that interest me or that give me satisfaction. I like a lot of stupid stupid things. I also promise myself plenty of things or plan plenty of things or set out to achieve things that never get done. A lot of things actually. I have walked away from plenty of dreams, concoctions, ideas, breif plans, large plans - anything you can think of. For no reason. I've just simply not done them. Or I'll go do something else that is perfectly idiotic or pointles.
I know what you're saying, I think. "Well then why don't you just change? Why don't you stop doing those things?" Honestly, just think about that for a second. Preventing myself from acting in natural ways is like lying to myself. There is still an instinctive urge in me to do the things I don't like but like. Lying to yourself or changing yourself for the sake of ignoring your own faults is stupid. Robert C. Atkins, the creator of the fantastically hyped Atkins Diet was overweight, a good portion of people who write relationship help novels or romantic novels are multiple times divorced and Jim Fixx, the jogging guru and author of The Complete Book of Running, died of a heart attack while he was jogging. I don't know how they could get away with it. I don't know the lie they told themselves to wake up in the morning and keep going at it. Here they are, telling people to do things that even they can't do. Live better, eat better, love better. Better than what? You're dead now. Well, except for some of the love help people. They just probably wish they were dead.
I'd try to tie this all together with some solution, some kind of idea that would solve this problem of hating myself, but if I did that, I wouldn't be complaining about it. I wouldn't even have anything to complain about. I'm not happy right now and that's pretty damn obvious, despite having just joined a band, partying all weekend long and being around a bunch of really good people to hang out with. I don't know. I might be chronically depressed for all I know, the kind of depressed only medicine could "cure", another bunch of lies. Only that way, I wouldn't even know I was being lied to because there would be chemicals deceiving me and I wouldn't know any better, like some kind of tame acid making all of the bad things melt away and only happy things appearing. Dulling reality will only make the reintroduction back into reality that much more harsh and it's already harsh enough as it is. Besides, I don't want to have to pay vast amounts of money to feel "normal" or even not upset. I should be able to do this myself.
After all, who knows you better than yourself?
I guess everyone at this point but me because I can't seem to do it alone and I have tons of people telling me what to do to feel or look or fuck or throw or play or think or anything there is to do at all better.
Only it's still not better and it doesn't look to change anytime soon.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
