2004-02-19 - 7:36 p.m.
*
*
*
Nipple Fucking Shit Eaters - make that four: a dance through the dark recesses of our minds
SO let me tell you a little story about a man named Jed.
Nah, fuck Jed. He already got a TV show about him and his hick family.
Let me tell you a little story about a diary named Belmonaut.diaryland.
Ok, enough of the 3rd person talking about the diary.
I have some gripes with some of you people out there in ...whateverland.
You all need to settle the hell down. Hardcore.
Having just recently bought a gold membership for this diary...
**********************
an act I avoided like the plague but ended up caving in to because of Minikiss. I honestly couldn't let pictures of midgets dressed up as Kiss go without the world hearing about it. I mean, I love midgets. I love them. It has always intrigued me that someone can be that small and be an adult. Sure people laugh about it and I do. I laugh about midgets in odd places but I laugh for the same reason I laugh when I see a dog lift its leg and pee on someone else's leg. Because it is "out of the ordinary". I think that is instinctive human reaction to things we find out of the ordinary. Regardless, I was thrilled to shit to find this place, a place to basically just kick my feet up on the coffee table of the digital world and just spout off at the mouth about whatever the hell I wanted and WHAT'S THIS? FREE? I DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT??? I am well aware that there are a bajillion other places on the internet that now do that, but I was introduced to diaryland wayyyyy back in Lowell by Darcie and I have been addicted ever since. They do things right here, despite the site looking like the inside of a 12 year old girl's bedroom. And I liked it so much I didn't mind it too much when I came to the conclusion that for a few bucks, I could post pictures of midgets in my diary without paying for ridiculous rates of webhosting and file linking and all that horsecrap. It's all right here....
**********************
...one of the perks of said membership is that you can check stats, something that has intrigued me for some time. I was interested in putting digital faces to you all, some kind of reference of the numbers we were talking here. I know family members read this and friends bored at work read this and random other people from diaryland read this because I've talked to them and they said "wow that was really funny what you said in your diary" so it's not this big mystery that they came here.
And it was absolutely no big mystery that people looking for something else in the vast cesspool of the internet ended up at my doorstep. Trust me, the amount of angry threats in e-mails and screams through cyberspace in my direction from all forms of people...
**********************
and I'll refer now to all the N*Sync fans who wouldn't be caught dead listening to that insipid music who sent me vicious, venom-like words trying to convince me that N*Sync is the greatest band in the world and they always will be and they will be around forever and I'm ignorant and don't know what I'm talking about - yes I'm talking about all of you assholes who hit me with your worst and now even you see what a shitfest that all was; you all see now that it was some insane marketing scheme by some fat tub shit of a guy in Florida who made MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMILLIONS in babysitting and fast food restaurant money while the monkeys he used to peddle such fiendish tripe either dropped into the depths of obscurity like Leif Garret and Tiffani and everyone else who is I Love the (insert decade here that is automatically overglorified by time)'s fodder or are freakishly rich and get to rip chest plates off of people who haven't had a career since they dropped hundreds of pounds of fat and got enough plastic surgury to rival their insanely idiotic and perverted brother. And I'll also refer to the ultra religious people who were looking for some bible passage or something that happened to match a time I was badmouthing their religion. Then, to smite me as their god would do, they send me spelling and grammatical atrocities that make mine here look like Shakespearean prose, all while trying to convince me that what I said and did was offensive while they worship in a faith whose leaders think the same thing about them. And anyone else who might have been black or short or a woman that was offended because I put a word like "douche" or "pinball" in an entry and it came up and they were offended by what they saw and couldn't WAIT to open up Yahoo! mail or hotmail and line my mailbox with enough hatred to make the KKK blush.
**********************
...leave absolutely no question in my mind that random as fuck people are coming here in droves.
But I generally had no idea how they got here. Until now.
The stats feature, while showing you how many hits you get in a day (which aren't that much and I don't care anyway) also show you the much more entertaining "referrals" page. This is a page that shows you exactly HOW people get here. The last step someone took outside of BMCville until they landed their unknowing ass here. For example, if you right now looked up "nipple fucking shit eaters" in Yahoo! then this diary entry would come up because I had just said nipple fucking shit eaters and now I have said it twice.
So when you search for anything whatsoever and my site has it and you come here, I know it.
I can see you, you N*sync loving, bible thumping....short black women.
I'm sure I just upset a demographic of like 5 people there. And all will come here and complain, no doubt in my mind.
And I thought that the internet was a crazy place, full of atrocious garbage and useless links.
I had no idea I had such a huge hand in it.
If you recently searched for the following in the past week:
- �ride a hippo�
- Big pussys (2 times)
- Looking inside a vagina
- Do newscasters cry?
- Spring break fucks
- Syphilus
- People getting facials
- Illegal �horizon foods� (5 times)
- Midgets at parties
- DVDA �now you�re a man� (4 times in a row)
- Barry and levon
- Pictures of the inside of bars
- Portible toilets
- Humpty dance song
- Adforce America
- Humoungous boobs
- OH NO YOU DIDN�T jokes
...then you came here.
Of course, you can argue that "of course you came here, because you just listed all of those things and ruh ruh ruh ruh" and to your ruh ruhs I say that yeah, of course you're going to be sent to this entry, but there was another entry that also contains these phrases and people ended up here from them.
Now.
I don't know who to be more ashamed of.
I'm ashamed of you first, internet. LOOKING INSIDE OF A VAGINA? I caught you red handed vagina looking. You ended up here and I caught you. Now when you look in a vagina from now on, I hope you see this face:
When you want the lyrics to DVDA's Now you're a man, you get this face:
WHEN YOUR PERVERTED LITTLE DEMON MIND WANTS TO SEE PEOPLE GETTING FACIALS (the porn kind. the "it's in my eye" kind) YOU WILL GET THIS FACE:
I'd like to note that the entry that search ended up at did in fact discuss me looking for porn on Kazaa for the first time because I figured out that I could. Of course, if I looked up "nasty sluts XXX facial shots cow porn" today, I'd get this face:
so I'm not any better.
And I am ashamed of me as well. I have been defiling all of your psyches with stories about oh no you didn't jokes and big pussys (as well as atrocious spelling). There you were, all ready to see big pussys and here you came, a black page with white writing and a picture of a stick figure Captain Kangaroo riding a hippo into a not present vat of Fluff.
I'd like to note that you came for the big pussys and stayed for the ride a hippo.
I think we learned something today. I think we both taught each other that we're fucked in the head and that we will search the internet long and hard until we find that picture of the inside of bars or the midgets at parties. I think we will both go hand in hand skipping through the dark recesses of the web and seek portable toilets together, because god knows we're on the same sick demented wave length if you ended up here looking for that. And that makes me happy to see that not only do I have a fucked up mind but you're all coming along on the ride with me.
nipple fucking shit eaters.
that's three times.
A few more times and I'll own the market.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
