2002-07-03 - 8:52 a.m.
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The Rant of 101 Curses
It's the 3rd of July.
I should be home right now, in Lynbrook, on Long Island, far away from this devil town.
Even the kids who have lived here hate it here. I've heard nothing short of "this town will swallow you whole."
I believe it.
I blame myself mostly for this, probably cause it's my fault I'm here. Had I not fucked around during my tenure at Lowell, if you can call it that, I wouldn't be in this mess.
Actually, I wouldn't be in this town. I'd probably be in Lowell, wondering why I'm not home.
Anyway.
This is all getting to be too much for me. It's not that I'm homesick, because I don't get homesick. I know that home is there and that I can go to it if I reallllly needed to be there. I believe homesickness can only happen when there is no chance of ever going home again. Any other time and you're just depressed.
But I do miss my friends and family. Shit, I haven't heard a Kelleman poop joke in real life in months. I haven't drank heavily and shot jokes around with my Lynbrook friends in months. I haven't hung out McGoldrick style or ventured out to Suffolk in months. I haven't been to a beach in...a while. I haven't rocked through NYC... well you get the point.
It's been almost like I died on LI and my ghost went to some bastardized purgatory up here. Or hell. I can't see hell being less comfortable or inconvienient.
I mean shit, everything is closed here at 4PM. 4 motherfucking P motherfucking M, mother fucker! I know people who don't even wake up till then. SHIT, SOME DAYS I DON'T EVEN WAKE UP TILL THEN!
And this school shit! I haven't had to wake up for an 8 o'clock class in years. I don't know how I even did it back in high school. I seriously have no idea how I managed not to kill myself and others from the monotony of the 9 period daily cycle. And now I only have 1 class. And even that is a pain in the ass. I'll go to about as much school in one week next "semester" that I did in one day of high school. I can't believe that.
I'm also perpetually missing everything fun under the sun. There's a big Lowell gathering rocking at Blatt's house, possibly not by the time I write this, but probably by the time anyone reads this.
Where does this Blatt live you might ask? About 20-30 minutes from my house. 10 if I drive the way I normally do.
It's not fucking right. It's just not right. The only event that I could possibly make it to on the Lowell social calendar, the one time that everyone in Lowell that I hung out with would be on MY HOME TURF! The one fucking time where there was no possible way I couldn't make it to the party becasue I could actually afford a taxi if I didn't have a ride.... AND I'M UP HERE IN FUCKING PLATTSBURGH! I'M WASTING AWAY IN THIS FUCKING HICK TOWN, BOILING UNDER 500 DEGREE TORTURE AND SEEING EVERYONE ENJOY THEMSELVES BUT ME!
I retract my belief that this is purgatory and instead stick to the hell belief.
What did I do? Who did I sin against? What crime did I commit? Why in the fuck am I here? What the hell was I thinking? I don't have to graduate on time. Fuck that. Shit, no one graduates on time. I think I'm one of the only people I know graduating on time. And the only thing that graduating on time is going to do is thrust me into the job market one year or two years earlier, so that I can taste college loan payments, health insurance bills, taxes and all the other bullshit moronic grownup malarky (yes, the bullshit bullshit) that is awaiting. A boss, a job, a budget to deal with, books to balence, work to worry about (on the chance that I get a job) and all the other lovely evils that I have spent my childhood and adolenscence abhorring. I have waited for this moment, not in anticipation, but in horror and I go do something as stupid as speed up the process by coming to this shithole of a town during the SUMMER, a time I reserve for myself to blow off steam from classes, take a menial job to support my booze habits and relax with friends, and I turn it into another semester started by the end of a semester and ended by the start of a semester.
Now I know that if I said this shit to my dad, he'd tell me to shut the fuck up because he has a job and he doesn't even get breaks. My position on the matter would be GO FUCK YOURSELF! Not that I'd actually say that to my dad, in respect for the great man that he is, but I wouldn't want to hear his bitching just like he wouldn't want to hear mine. On top of that, THESE ARE THE LAST DAYS I CAN AFFORD TO BE A GOOF-OFF FUCK UP DIPSHIT TIME WASTING ASSHOLE BEFORE IT STARTS TO COUNT AND I GAVE THEM UP TO BETTER MYSELF AND I'M MISERABLE!
This is the first time in my life I've ever been truly miserable. I've never had such a convergence of sorrow on my love life, my social life, my money, my time, my mind and my soul at one time. I feel as if this is all pointless, like I'm going through empty motions that will signify nothing in the end and is devoid of any substance. It doesn't matter if I leave here in spring or winter, because there will be no jobs for me regardless of when I look for them. Not to mention that the jobs I might get won't pay worth a damn and also factor in I probably won't live on my own for years and you're looking at the dilemma I face. I know I'm looking ahead at the most humbling and shameful section of my life: I'm going to be poor, living in my parents house, looking for jobs that don't exist and I can guarantee I'll be miserable. I have seen it happen before to great people that I have admired and looked up to, that fallout time right after school and right before your career. I've seen people who could light up a room become weakened and brittle by the dullness of this wasteland of life. I've seen my heroes fall to depths of unspeakable misery because of the troubles of this time in life. And it scares the hell out of me. I'm usually not afraid of much and here is something that I am deathly afraid of. Not because I don't know what's going to happen, but because I already do know.
Maybe it's not so bad I'm up here though. People are talking about some kind of 4th of July attack, which would make sense, terrorist-wise, becasue really, if you wanted to piss off a bunch of people, try bombing them when they're celebrating the day they became a nation. That would shit in anyone's beer. And then I think: Oh shit, I'm not there, but everyone I know (now with Lowell reinforcements) is going to be there. Eggs in one basket, eggs in one basket. Mama and Da Belmo are coming up here tomorrow, so I know that they won't be hurt by anything (unless they come up at the wrong time) and shit even if they don't, what will happen to our home and our Home?
Fucking terrorists. Why the hell did we have to piss them off? YES, US piss THEM off. People don't bomb you unless you really push their buttons. No one will ever convince me that what the terrorists did was wrong, it just wasn't justified. It was wrong in a way that, fuck, anything LESS than annihilating thousands and ripping down south NYC would still have an impact on us, but shit, they have been pushed around and had sand kicked in it's face and it was time the scrawny dork punched the bully in the eye.
I'm still frightened as hell somethings going to happen and I don't take thier side. As a matter of fact, I don't take our side either. I think this is a bunch of cock waving, a bunch of "my dick is bigger than your dick and I'll kill you to prove it" bullshit that won't do anything besides kill people and level more areas to throw up a Starbucks or CVS into. If we really really really really wanted to, we could just pave over all of Afghanistan. That would really piss people off. We're not invincible, but shit do we have power. So why the fuck did we start with guys with rocks, razor blades and fucking dirty bombs? Because we couldn't see past our balls.
Ok, this rant went every which fucking way, and that's probably the hundreth curse so I'm going to stop typing now. I know I'm pissed, I know I'm upset, I know I'm scared, anxious, nervous, tired, bored and intellectually numb right now.
Happy whatever the fuck day.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
