2002-05-05 - 9:55 p.m.

***

The end of the end

It's been a long time coming, now kick out the jams.

I've become some stupid version of myself and I'm kind of tired of feeling like I'm regressing. Slowly. very slowly, at a speed that makes my eyes ache watching it.

Two weeks left here and I'm stuck with tons of paper to wade through, sting of cuts eating at my ankles. I've got so much going on that I can't even keep track of everything to keep track of. Stupid tidal wave of essays and psuedo-poems to hand in, tons of DJ stuff to DJ do and countless quarreling and squabbling between the Plattsburgh crew. It's like this semester burnt itself out 2 weeks ago and everyone is agitated to even be here.

I think it was the snow in late April that got everyone down. Maybe it was the earthquake. I don't know.

Everything is so second hand here. The quality of everything here makes my brain hurt. I think I was spoiled and didn't even know it until I looked up one day from eating utter garbage at the cafeteria and noticed that I couldn't even look at the food, let alone eat it any longer. Maybe now I'm acting stuck up, but fuck it. I've seen how a college can be run successfully so that it's crappiness isn't real crappiness, just simple boredom and lack of any real true fun thing to do. At least I want to be able to enjoy myself.

The only reason I speak of this was that Springfest was Friday. And that was it. And it was 5 hours long. At the most. 3 of this was surely soundcheck, which did absolutely no good anyway because it sounded like someone with thier car way up outside your house was the only sound system available. At least I got to rock a frisbee in the largest indoor gym I've seen possibly ever. Go that.

But still, I'm personally drained from all the shit thats been going down lately, and even in the past month or so. Even if I was the cause of much of my own grief, it was all unnecessary, even the important parts. As much as I hate to tell myself that, I have to definitely look back (when realizing things like this doesn't count) and just say "I'm an idiot and I got myself worked up for nothing and afterwards, now I'm all idiotically awkward from shit."

I never claimed to be a genious. I've just seen one on TV.

Summer looks like more school for me. My summer break consists of 5 days before and 2 weeks at the end of summer. Thats it. I looked it up. It sucks. I thought I had a week break or something in between the sessions here, but it looks like I'm going to be in school from here on out until I either leave by my own will or simply finish. That scares me. I'm going to school until its done as done everyday after this point. A week here, a vacation here, a winter break, but its fucking over now.

This chapter on the overall book is almost done.

Just time to write another one.

BMC

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