2002-06-03 - 4:13 p.m.
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Belmo and the Shopping Cart tag team Phatsburgh!
"Today is the greatest...day I've ever known." - You know who singing you know what.
So yeah, it appears that if you want to freak everyone out and cause havoc that not even the police will stop, all you have to do is go food shopping.
Mandy came back to Plattsburgh Thursday, but I didn't see her pretty much till Saturday. That leads to the total people up here I know to like 5 or something.
Yesterday I got attacked by 3 different pets, one of which was a cat in heat constantly poking her ass at me. BUt then again, I did have fondue.
That really made no sense. It was fun though.
So, you might still be asking yourself just why would food shopping cause havoc....
it does on BELMO FOOD SHOPPING DAY!!!!(big motherfucking booming echo)
oh yeah, you better ask somebody.
Start with me.
So, it occured to me that I had absolutely no food. When I was done with my sugar and water and finished my moldy bread, the thought to open a packet of ramen made my stomach queazy and since I had nothing left besides ramen...
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which is scientifically proven to exist in all college living situations. There is not one second that goes by where there is at least ONE packet of ramen in college possession. It's like day time without the sun or a midget on a NBA basketball team...it's just not natural. But ramen is fugly to the stomach when you're starving. Ramen becomes the cure for a settled stomach when you're fiending for food. Unless you're drunk...
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...I decided to go food shopping.
Now.....
To understand the proceeding story you must learn a few things, get inside the mind of a Belmo to understand just what in the fuck was going on in my head that lead me to do this:
- I lack patience of any kind when it comes to taxis, because they are driving around anyway and I know there's one close to me in Plattsburgh, within a 5 minute radius, at all times.
- I get bored really fast and sitting on my ass for more than 5 minutes causes my brain to function on what I like to call "Stupid Fumes". These "stupid fumes" cause much distress to my mother and father, mostly from the reprecussions of these "fumes" fueling something utterly idiotic that makes them lower thier head in shame. It also coincidentally leads to me getting in some form of trouble.
- Any time I can make someone go "Huh?" with a confused look on thier face going 20 mph on a shopping cart down a hill eating potato chips in the basket the cart, crash into a tree, only spill 4 chips and get my hat dirty, get up with no broken bones or bruises or cuts of any kind and walk away laughing my ass off, I consider that an achievement.
So with that in mind, let me actually tell you the story.
I was looking for a job today, and shit, there appears to be none. None that want to hire my stupid ass anyway. So, this is when boredom sinks in, and I begin to stray. I wander over to the Antiques store, wander to a few barber shops...
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...which pissed me off to all hell to find out that not one damn barber shop in this town is open at 1 PM on a Monday. NOT A GODDAMN ONE! You would think one of them would figure this shit out and be like "shit, I got to get me a part of that Monday pocket loot before it disappears!" I would be like a pirate on booty if I had the chance at guaranteeing the service I supply is being supplied to a town solely by me for a day. IT would make me feel like an oil tycoon or something. SO then...
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...as I get to the Salvation Army (which Mandy reminded me where it was by living by it) I figured that I was really close enough to walk at least 20 minutes to a cheap ass grocery store.
And up here in the North Country, I'm talking fucking cheap ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Like $.39 2 liter bottles of soda cheap. Like $.25 for a big bag o' puffy wheat cereal cheap. Poor college student with no job cheap even.
And I go fucking ballistic on this place, even going so far as to grab a bathroom rug.
GASP! the horror.
So, I go nuts up to $33 and I roll up to the counter and it dawned on me as the lady wrapped the 4th or 5th bag that there was no way in fuck I was going to beable to carry all the shit home.
I mean I bought fucking 500 Flavor Ices for christs sake!
So, I'm stuck at the Family Dollar with this big cart full of shit and I said "well, since everyone is definitely either working or at school, I'll call a taxi."
Easy to do with a cell phone.
Beep booop boooop booop beep later I'm waiting for a taxi to come. 10 minutes go by. I sit listening to some asshole with a handlebar moustache blabber on about how his girlfriend only wants his money and shit and how she never buys stuff for him and he's always gotta go out and get food and always....
I don't think I've checked my watch more times in my entire life. Besides, what did this asshole care? He HAD a girlfriend. I would have traded in all the food in my basket if it meant my girlfriend was going to be there when I got home. Get your head out of your ass.
So, he goes running off into obscurity (obviously not offering to ride me home after blahing for 15 minutes, or else this story wouldn't be told right now) and I look to notice that, yes indeed, I had stood there for 25 minutes on the busiest street in the busiest city for MILES (let me re-emphasize that: MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILES)in ANY direction and I was pissed. All I wanted to do was go home and eat all this ghetto fabulous food I bought.
So, I look down at the cart. I look at the cars. I look at the wheels. I look at my childhood and remember I've always wanted to ride a shopping cart in the street for no reason and suddenly I'm off.
Here's where it starts to get interesting. I see the cab pulling in after I leave. But you know, when you've tasted something so good, like the idea to play a game with yourself and have fun for once, you can't give up on it.
This was the game. The rules were: Don't get arrested. Anything else was good, but if I went to jail because I can't get enough of that golden crisp, I would have shot myself with the Cop's own gun. What can you tell a judge when that happens?
Angry Judge: So, you think it's fun stealing shopping carts?
Belmo: No sir, I think it's hilarious stealing shopping carts. I think it's fun to hum when I'm flossing.
There is nothing you can say in that situation. Plus the horror of thinking about a cop putting me into a cop car and having to throw the cart in his trunk as evidence made my head spin.
So, that was the game. Don't get arrested. Get hurt, get tired, laugh your ass off running around like an idiot with a shopping cart but just don't get fucking caught.
Easier said than done.
If I went straight home, I would have had to walk probably the busiest 1 1/2 miles in all of Plattsburgh, possibly the county, with I-87 being the only exception. So, I had to make it home using short cuts.
And that's where the fun started.
Now, if you had been walking around for the 2 hours I was and then you had a box full of food with wheels strapped to the bottom and roads that were hills, what would you do?
You damn right.
So I'm going about 15 miles per our down this one road. Surprisingly I didn't get a busted ass shopping cart, the ones that perpetually go left or right. It was the single moment in my life I felt free. There is nothing in the world that can compare to riding a shopping cart down a freshly paved road in the backstreets of a small town with a cool breeze shooting past you on a hot day, laughing your ass off because you're having so much fun.
I can see heaven being a neverending blacktop hill and a big shopping cart. And a Subway everyonce in a while, because you'll get hungry.
So, I'm tooling around the backstreets of Plattsburgh and I get close to home, almost to the bridge where its only 2 blocks and I'm home and I see a cop. I'm all pissed off because by this point, I've made it about a mile and I haven't even seen one stinking cop. So, I panic. I'm standing on the back of a stolen shopping cart, zooming down this street and a cop is coming right for me. I didn't know whether to hop off or what.
So I wave.
Not even brakes. Not even slowing down. Nothing. Didn't even phase him. In fact, he waved back and smiled.
YESSSSSSSSSS! DOUBLE POINTS! I'm so getting the high score in "Steal a Shopping Cart, Dumbass!"
With my newfound sense of invincibility, I decided to celebrate. I bust open a bag of chips and start eating. And then I get to the biggest hill in the trip, the hill that leads down to the footbridge and salvation.
Oh you should have seen it.
So, I pretend to rev up my cart (by gripping the handle bar on the cart and making motorcycle noises) and I run like hell and hop in. This thing shook like crazy but I sat there, crushing most of my crushables, laughing my ass off, eating potato chips and flying into whos knows what.
I know what. A big fucking tree, that's what.
So, I sit there and I hope that maybe the cart gods look friendly upon me, saving me with thier cart god ways. Just as I say this, a car comes out of nowhere and damn near hits me. I freak out, try to get out of the cart, hit the tree, get tossed into the road like an idiot, spill 4 chips (hey, when you're poor, that's a lot) and sit in the road, laughing my ass off.
It was fun all around.
So, I scoop up my Spagetthi-O's and Tang and throw my chips in the cart, which is all banged up at this point, and I go over the bridge to the other side of town, kicking on the back of the cart like a skateboard and riding it into the walls, because by this point, the wheels were all dilapitated and messy. As I came around the bend in the bridge, a woman was coming with her baby and I came within inches of colliding with her. I apologized and got the fuck out of there, becasue no one wants to mess with a mom when you damn near killed thier kid. Something about potential infanticide makes people grumpy.
So, exhausted by breaking a handfull of rules and almost getting myself and others killed in the process, I make it home and empty out the cart.
Then I beat it with a bat and threw it in the river.
Nah, I'm kidding. I just threw it in the parking lot. But if I owned a baseball bat, I'm sure another inferno of stupid fumes would arise and BLAMO! shopping cart in the river.
So, now I'm going to go drink beer and laugh while I pray that Family Dolalr didn't put homing devices on thier carts, or explosives ready to go off if you take the cart for like 12 hours or something.
I wouldn't want to do something dangerous.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
