2004-05-25 - 8:32 p.m.
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"Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur?"
"But I must explain to you how all this mistaken idea of denouncing pleasure and praising pain was born and I will give you a complete account of the system, and expound the actual teachings of the great explorer of the truth, the master-builder of human happiness. No one rejects, dislikes, or avoids pleasure itself, because it is pleasure, but because those who do not know how to pursue pleasure rationally encounter consequences that are extremely painful. Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain, but because occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure. To take a trivial example, which of us ever undertakes laborious physical exercise, except to obtain some advantage from it? But who has any right to find fault with a man who chooses to enjoy a pleasure that has no annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces no resultant pleasure?"
-Cicero
I have been blessed with many things in my life.
I have been blessed with the ability to make friends with diverse and interesting people. Most of these friendships stems some way from music and this leads to my friends flavoring my life in numerous ways and in all different flavors. There are people close to me I would go to the grave for and there are people who are brothers to me that I would cease to be if something befell them. Most of you know who I'm talking about - I spend almost every day with you. There are few things in life I take for granted and friends are hardly one of them. I consider few my brethren - a brother or sister of a different parent almost - that I would fight into the fiery pits of hell for if ever necessary Despite being caught up in schedules and losing track of some people, I will always open my doors to those who I've befreinded and will always offer all I have towards their well-being if needs be.
I am blessed with the fruits of a loving family. My parents would snap the neck of anyone who wished harm upon me and they have nurtured my own desires, never really fighting me in my decisions. They also know how to pull the leash however and have tried to keep me in check as best as humanly possible. My sister, although she has a penchant for bitchery, is also there for me in almost everything I do. They watch out for me at every step and worry immensely about my well-being to the point of obsession, which can be strangling but it is good to know someone cares.
I've also been blessed with the fact that I've known love. I have had a few experiences in my life where someone has lent their heart to me, shown me compassion and longing, provided me with purpose and care. I've been thankful for every love I've loved, despite the wounds that the ashes of extinguished flames always leaves.
But it is this part of me that I wish to address, because it will undo me one day. I will never become enraged with my friends to the point of suicide or depression where I can't just let shit drop and let things go on as normal and ignore any squabble or quarrel I have with them. I will have moments where I will reject my family and grow bitter towards them with scorn and callowness but my anger will recede and I will have washed away the frustration they give me sometimes.
But never with love.
When I have no longing, no compassion towards someone, when I'm aimlessly searching and looking for a companion, when I hopelessly lie in bed at night and begin to look into the ceiling's infinite darkness and see it as a mirror for my heart, I die everytime. Inside, I die. My whole body becomes pinched and clenched, as if my limbs were fingers and my chest a palm. I wither in my heart and my head reels with anger and grief.
There is nothing that will cure solidarity.
I've found from being single for some time now (not as long as most but longer than I'd like) that it's really the only pain in my life. I get aches in my body, sickness and weariness in myself that will ebb through time. Wounds will heal, even mental wounds can metaphorically close up. But not emotional ones. There is no salve or cure for heartache, no prescription for loneliness.
And damn it, I'm smacking of it.
I reek of it. Every single hair on my head looks alone. My eyes feel distant to me as if I look into myself and try to find reason in my state. I feel paper thin sometimes, as if I'd rip in two if ever tested by body or air. My soul feels like lead and my heart feels like stone. I drag myself about as if I were carrying a sack of potatoes.
And I even lose the energy to want to do it.
It scares me. It honestly does, you know? There is no need for me to be stupid like this. There is no need for me to pine or waste away, full of woe or remiss with heartache. Being single doesn't mean being by yourself. It means being free to be yourself, free of all responisibilities of relationship. There are tenets of relationships that hold true bliss. The idea of companionship and emotional connection. Having a partner through the bad times and a confidont for the good times. The joys of sexual relations with someone you are intimate with - much more powerful than any one time fuck and dash would ever provide you with. There are things that relationships could only provide, with no subsitute suitable to replace them. You couldn't fill a car with water and expect the same results as gas.
But.
Being single allows you freedoms of choice and of self education. There is the ability to learn about yourself and your capabilities on a much more personal level than if you had a relationship. The bonus of extra free time, the ability to live in any style you choose without worrying about your partner's view of you, the ease at which you can make plans and enjoy going out is unrivaled.
But.
When you go out to the same places time and time again, maybe even go home with someone...
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which I don't. Ever. Half because no one else wants to and more half because I don't want to. Last thing I need is dick rash or a countdown to death thanks to AIDS.
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...a few times, have a good night or just have a boring night, you find that you want someone to tell about it or even do it all with. Sure, you can tell friends anything or maybe you can't. Maybe you have a situation where your friends don't give a shit about your personal needs or ideas and just want to have a good time. I find I have plenty of people to confide to, so I don't have this trouble, but it exists. Regardless of the situation, there will come a time where you're tired of it all. Where being single and free just becomes being alone. Where conquering the world by yourself just turns into by yourself.
And I have hit that point.
I have hit the limits by which I wish to be single. I've joined two bands, got to go on ridiculous trips to many states in one week, got to see sights I've never seen, speak with people of all types of culture and significance, got to test the limits of myself and see what I'm capable of, was given all the time I wanted to do anything I please and in the end, the only thing I could think about was that I did it all by myself and instead of being proud that I did it myself, I'm sad because I did alone.
Without a partner.
Granted, there were people there. My parents supported me, my friends cheered me on and cheered me up, my co-workers complimented me on my work and the whole time, I've written stories and poems to note it all down and it all helps to ease the moment along.
But I'm alone. I did it without a companion.
Now I'm not trying to get a companion with this. I'm just trying to sort everything out. I've been bothered by these things for some time. It's been a pain to me that even on my most triumphant days, I've returned to my bed only to curl into a ball or hold a pillow to me and pray it was a person someday soon. I can't even appreciate anything I do or have done - I feel hollow and insignificant despite all proof otherwise and despite all of this, I can't help but wonder why. Why do I need this? Why can't I live alone, live on the fly by my wits and instincts with no outside interference or assistance? Why is it I need someone there, to hold and console me? It makes no sense to me. I've got tons to be grateful for. I've got nothing but good coming to me from all sides and I have very little to worry about or be responsible for and yet I can't help but feel worthless and defeated with no significant other there, no heart to beat with mine.
I've rattled my brain for a long time and come up with no answers. Even now, even after putting it all down on words, even after looking at it all lain out and outlined, I can't figure it out and don't think I will for some time.
I guess I'll just go to Pretty Polly practice and eat hamburgers in someone's backyard until then.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
