2002-02-25 - 10:10 p.m.

***

Turning Faster Than Sound

AHHHH A NICE NEW CLEAN NEWS PAGE.

I never read the newspage. Now I have even less to ignore.

Weird feelings afoot in Belmoland.

I'm coming closer to this realization that I'm leaving here very soon. Tangible ideas like writing books and getting a job are not too far ahead, in fact merely a matter of a dozen months or so.

On top of which, I do have a few books planned and all are fighting for dominance. I seem to be geting all the right ideas at the wrong times, and although the one book where I put my poems to class together in one book by the time that class shows up on my schedule is coming along VERY SLOWLY, the one about Nina Winkel is like lightening fast right now. I don't know how to juggle it AND school, only because schoolwork seems even more trivial when I am doing something of personal value.

Things are still touchy with my parents. I thought they smoked weed when they were my age, I thought they were ok with it. It appears that they can't deal with it. So I try my best so that they don't.

This whole date thing has gotten me alive but yet worried about what the future will be from now on. There has been no date yet but I haven't had to deal with even semi-romantic meetings for months now. It changes a person. Am I concerned that this is going to be serious or that I'm gonna suck at being datable? My new found equilibrium of waking up and just doing what the day needs is at danger...

And then there's the schoolwork, looming heavy and menacingly overhead. The papers and readings, the editing of foreign tongues, the hall council meetings, the radio show, the friends I got here, the times I spend. IT all fights torrid in my head, as I still pine for older days, look back to further roots. My musical family, the brothers and the sisters. It grows weak and then pulses strong, the waves of happiness dipping into sorrow only to smile again.

I'm at shame here, and I have let slip all sense of myself so that I can relax for once, just so I can catch my breath. All I wanted was to be peaceful and happy and it appears that I've put so much on top of myself, I scream from some intangible sense that there's danger closeby and it's approaching.

I need a breath of Mass air and a kiss on the lips and the world will spin more peacefully.

Goodnight.

BMC

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