2002-07-18 - 2:13 a.m.
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THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED - IT WILL BE SCANNED!
"AHHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAH WHAT A STUPID BITCH!" - the last thing I remember Cartman saying before I fell on the floor laughing last night on South Park
Technology is alive and well my friends.
I have seen the future and it is the Plattsburgh Mall Borders Books.
Now, I have always thought that Borders books and it's ilkage have blasphemized all forms of art. They have ultimate power over our thoughts, becasue as everyone knows, you can only perceive when you obtain knowledge. If someone denies you certain literary materials, you are going to be less likely to gain an understanding of the topic it is about and therefore, you are deprived of knowledge. If you think about it, anything you've learned, they've sold you, unless you take it upon yourself to find your own mental food.
I have always been vehemently against big business bookstores. They crush the little guy, which in turn hurts authors who are trying to make a name for themselves by eliminating the outlet (ie no mom and pop stores = no one who will take a chance on you and help you out). and since its fairly obvious that not every publishing company in the world is being represented, even in enormous stores such as Borders, there is less of a chance that you'll see something in a Borders or other mass ass store that isn't already advertised to death and crammed down your throat for easy consumer consumption.
This, my friends, is where people become bland and shallow, believing that because they are READING something, they are smart, whereas the only thing they are reading is the equivalent of a Big Mac, with a truly independent view being a Sirloin steak.
This is not to say that all books in Borders are utter shit, but it does beg the question of how much ideological diversity there is in a Borders. Will they carry books of anarchaic literature, hate literature, "dangerous" literature, controversial literature? Not that I want to see Nazi hate books or white supremcy (or black supremecy for taht matter) literature in Borders, right next to "Timon and Pumbaahs Coloring Adventure" but I'd love to see shit people would normally write off as trash. Dimestore sex novels, sleazy murder mysterys, crappy romance novels. Shitty shit books that will never teach you how not to write a book. They will be GONE. They will not be there for you to read and realize "Wait, if I write like this, it will suck big dick. So I won't."
You just wont know any better.
So, why am I talking about Borders books?
Becasue I want to work there. For one reason and one reason only, something I like to call the "I steal from Borders and don't get charged anything and also get paid for it" scenario.
This does not mean that I want to steal from Borders. Actually, if you've been paying attention at all, there's barely anything in Borders that I want. In fact, if there is something there, I almost certainly can find it in the LIBRARY, THE FREE BOOKSTORE.
Nah, I dont have any need for hooliganism, that blind "shake 'em down from the inside" bullshit. Everyone knows that there IS no way to beat the Man anywhere, anyway. Collapse capitalism? Fine, go somewhere there is no capitalism, no greed, no envy, no avarice. You tell me where we go from here. I don't hate myself for wanting a job at a place I know is true evil, because I can still go there and not let that evil corrupt me, like walking into a devil temple but refusing to worship.
No, what I'm thinking of is something designed for people to spend more money that I have taken for myself as the way to true happiness.
Bar Coded happiness.
I have seen something that I have never before thought possible or even thought of in theory. It's simplistic in its idea, its design, its execution. It's revolutionary in terms of how a store helps you decide for yourself if you like a CD instead of cramming flyers and huge, ghastly posters of some smiling face down your throat. Although there have been things like it in the past, there is nothing like it I have ever seen and am spellbound with its capabilities.
I went to put my application in, not planning to stop for more than 5 minutes when I saw these headsets sitting randomly in the CD section of Borders. Now, I was accustomed to the single CD in a machine, playing the CD of the store's choice day in day out.
But these were different.
These had scanners.
So I walk over and was like "What in the red blinking light is going on here?"
You can scan ANY AND ALL CDs IN THE STORE AND LISTEN (I'll repeat that, that's the important part) LISTEN TO THE ENTIRE CD FROM FRONT TO BACK, EVERY SINGLE TRACK, EVERY SINGLE NOTE FOR ABSOLUTELY POSITIVLY FREE WITHOUT PAYING ONE FUCKING CENT!
I fucking flipped my mind.
Just to test the boundaries of this, to see if there was some shady area of music that would never work, I went around the entire store, looking for music even I don't listen to (which really isn't a lot. I can even stomach pop music and country if I want). I grabbed old Cds, new CDs, CDs that were rarities, CDs that were atrocities, CDs that probably existed in that Borders alone because the music was so bad, so bad it was probably recorded and pressed in the second stall of the men's room and only 5 copies existed to save the world from it's evil.
And every single goddamn one of them played, played every single fucking track, all at the wisk of a bar code under the scanner. And the headphones were comfortable too.
Now, although the music selection has much to be desired *****************************
...becasue everyone knows that at any kind of Borderish bookstore, if they have a CD section, it's rubbish and has only a few select artists from each "genre"; genres that are slowly melting together into Rap Classic-Jazz and Anything-that's-notRap-and/or-notClassic-Jazz...
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...this still does not deny the fact that what good music they DO have there, you could spend a rainy day and hear every CD you've ever wanted to hear that they had for free, redefining the term "Musical Library".
They had comfy leather chairs for some of them for fucks sake!
I'm sure that Borders wasn't planning on giving everyone a fair shot to listen to whatever CD they want and then just go home and download it for free or buy it and then return it, burning it before they give it back to them. But that's what they just did. they gave me something to do when I'm piss bored and want to hear something new without paying money for it and finding out it's shit.
Plus if I work there, I can get paid to do this. It's just fucking genius.
I have seen the future of music sales and it is this scanamajiggy and I can't wait to get my scanamajiggy on next time I find myself watching Jerry Springer and realizing that is the ultimate form of "something to do" for the moment.
Fuck taking the Man down; just bleed him dry and enjoy the ride.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
