2003-01-11 - 9:29 p.m.
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So into video games all over again. So into face into TV into the head of the person on TV into the world into the universe that is nothing like ours. There is true and visible evil in these worlds, true visible and destroyable evil. Everything is scripted to fan out in the end, even in a bad ending. There are bosses, there are plots, there are power-ups. Moments of glory and moments of throwing your controller on the ground in fury. These moments often overshadow each other in a cloud of frustration so big I don't know why I come back. OR do I? Maybe I'm actually happy there only. Forget all those guy-saving-the-girl storylines or the avenge-all-wrongdoing storylines. I don't come back to escape and pretend that I'm saving the love of my life or something, or that the people who offed my loveones are going to pay. I do it because there's disorder, because there's evil to get rid of. Because there's something wrong and I want it to be right. I come back and I come back and things are still wrong, but I want to make them right. I keep coming back. I open up box after box, I throw game after game into the big black machine and I keep seeing something wrong and I just want to make it right. It's not like a puzzle even, not like a quest. It's like an impulsive thing, as if I can't sit still unless I know everything is alright. This is not unlike real life. I wouldn't act like this in some unreal simulation of someone's life and not act like this in real life. All actions are based off of personality and personal politics. So in real life, I feel like I'm setting something right, even though I know here in my real life that I'm doing absolutely nothing towards setting something right. In fact, outside of here, there's a world firing off in every direction, with real enemys and real bad guys. Real bosses with real plotlines. Only, it's hard to tell which is which. It's hard to tell who is what and where is how. It's almost impossible. They aren't wearing any clothes or any armor or any arrows over their heads or any blinking or anything whatsoever to even tell you when someone has nothing but your absolute downfall in mind. People like to tell me everyday who I should fear, who I should look after. Watch out for this, watch out for that. We're going to war, we're not going to war, we're only sending a few people there to be ready for something, we don't have people there. Stories flip everyday, and scenarios change every so often. It's like some kind of 1984 tribute, allowing real life to play fiction charades. We're beating up people we've sent weapons to, yelling at enemies who were friends or at least allies. Eurasia, Eastasia, whichever. I won't play your game, big brother. I'd rather play games where the corpses disappear right in front of you. Where the evil is clearly marked. It doesn't matter either way, though. There will always be some conflict. I can't get rid of wrong in some fake video game just like I can't do it in real life. It's not anyone's fault really. I think we're just happy being unhappy as an animal. I've had nothing but the easiest and most peaceful life this past week and I've felt nothing but uneasy because I've wanted to go out and see someone, see real people. Be outside of this house and face some real conflicts.
Why can't we live without our two minute hate? Why can't we feel comfortable for a long time without any sort of upheaval or unsettling action? I have no idea, and in all honesty, there really is no answer. Questioning it only makes my head hurt.
And my thumbs.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
