2003-01-08 - 3:20 a.m.
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Insomniac Soapbox Rampage
The basement howls like some injured or lovesick animal because the heater is broken and is constantly making noise. It's pretty annoying and it's hard to miss, like the hum of a fan while you're sleeping, or the ticking of a clock in the other room when nothing at all is happening. It sounds like the house is wailing, crying out in pain for someone to notice. The noise fits this family well. My mother cries out for my father to stop slowly driving himself into the ground by working ungodly amounts of time, alienating himself from his wife and his children and more importantly, wearing his own physical health thin by the day, whittling away whatever strength or stamina he may have. Pretty soon, he'll be shed to nothing more than a broken body with a torn heart, a faceless, lifeless drone trodding on and on, blindly accepting some fate that is useless and futile, as well as unnecessary. The bills pile up and I'm sure both of my parents flinch when they put their hands in the mailbox. We're not poor but we're not getting rich anytime soon. My sister is crying out to the fact that she needs to find somewhere to put herself, needs to find a place for education. She's miserable in SUNY Albany and she didn't do well enough to transfer to anything she likes, although she is forgetting the fact that she has one more semester to go before she is actually leaving and can still make up any lost time or grades in that amount of time. She's anxious to get back within reasonable distance of her boyfriend, a big part of her life as of late. I don't think I've ever seen her take to a boyfriend to this degree and although I don't know if this is a good thing, it couldn't hurt. We all need someone to pine for.
I guess that's what my wailing is, my broken heater inside. My insides whistle and moan like my basement is, day in day out, because I'm not happy being alone. Shit, if you read anything in this diary, the one thing you probably read the most is me flipping my mind over being alone and not being alone and accepting being alone and loathing alone. Well, it basically just flat out sucks to be alone. Every night, I can't sleep because I have no dream, no imagination, no need to fantasize. I have no one to fantasize about. Oh sure, I could easily just pick someone and harmlessly imagine shit up or something, but you need that as a person, that diversion. You need that shut off the brain thing and unfortunately for me, the only thing I can think about is my heart. I can only think to who I desire or, if I'm lucky enough to be in love, where I think it will go. It's not like I'm fooling myself or anything, or living lies inside my head. It's just something to think about, like a game, so that I can make my damn head shut the fuck up. Not like voices in my head either. I don't want people thinking I'm damn schitzo or something. But that constant thinking voice or whatever you want to call it. I just want it to shut up when my head's on the pillow. I can plot and plan and think and decide and choose and whatever the motherfuck I want when I'm supposed to be awake, but when I'm supposed to sleep (which I hate because it steals too much time from me) I don't want to lay there staring up at the ceiling, like I always end up doing. I stay there, eyes to the ceiling, wishing I was asleep, wishing I wasn't thinking about being awake, wishing I wasn't thinking that either...it goes on and on and on. Then I think about what I'm supposed to be waking up tomorrow for, then I start planning what I have to do for that, then I start thinking ahead and see if there's something I should be preparing for later in the week, in the month, in the year, in my life. It's ridiculous, I know, but that's the way my head thinks. It's the only way I know how to work it.
And the wailing is still going on. In the basement. It doens't stop. It just keeps crying out, keeps screaming for closure. It sounds like it's banging it's head in torture down there, wishing just for release from it's injuries. And that's how I feel. I feel stuck with this burden, that I have so much affection I could show someone, so much caring I could do, but all I have lately is myself, sitting and wasting away on a goddamn couch. My sister runs around all day, never comes home; my mom and dad work themselves to the bone, stay awake maybe a handful of hours after getting home and then crash only to tear themselves out of bed the next day and repeat until the weekend or something big comes around and then those leave so little free time because everything that doesn't get taken care of during the week gets done on the weekend. They all have their own lives and I just see mine eeking out into stupidity and dullness, some bland excuse of a life. I go out at night and spend stupid amounts of money trying to go out and have a good time only to feel pompous and idiotic for spending so much money on myself, such a selfish and useless thing to do, just to maybe get drunk (if I'm lucky) and to be looked over and passed up again and again and again, which really isn't anyone's fault. I just don't interest anyone down here or up there or over there or over here or anywhere anymore it appears. Like I was only handed a short couple of years to date and not told about it and look, I seemed to have used them all up. I know this is overly dramatic and pretty stupid in itself to think like this, but what if I'm not wrong. What if I fucking hit the nail on the head, like the only thing I could possibly offer anyone with a vagina is either a shoulder to cry on, someone to hate, someone to laugh with or someone to absolutely have no interest in whatsoever? That's fucking ludicrous! What the damn hell am I going to do with myself? I'm not going to be gay because I don't find men attractive. I don't believe in god at all and I certainly don't have a thing for small boys (see above re: gay) so I can't become a priest (yeah, that's a low blow. But these men have redefined a low blow). So what the fuck do I do? Do I wait it out, hope to find someone like some kind of lottery thing, maybe start hanging out at schools for the blind? I don't even fucking know. Half the girls my age make my fucking head bleed. For some strange reason, this country (at least this part that I've lived in) has a bunch of crazy people all running around being crazy to each other, treating each other like pieces of shit, grabbing what they can while they can, not caring what the fuck they do nor care about the outcomes of their decisions. I can honestly say there are choices I made in life that to this day, I still go "STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???? YOU CHOSE THAT AND LET THIS OTHER CHOICE GO???? WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING HELL WERE YOU THINKING? YOU IDIOT!"
I actually say those exact words. I try not to think about the past in crowded areas anymore.
I know for a fact that a lot of it has to do with the standard Lawn Guy Land girl, the stereotypical JAP or EIM (Extremely Italianized Moron) that are vapid and seemingly devoid of any form of interesting conversation besides either chatter or drunken chatter. There's a girl for every single stereotype you can think of, all with their own quirks and downfalls. I'm sure girls think guys fall into slots too. As a matter of fact, we all do. And I don't give a shit. I'm still looking for the stereotype I can live with. I'm still looking for "that" person and I don't even know if they exist or if that whole idea was just made up. Think about it - we're designed as animals to eat and fuck. Nowhere in the animal kingdom is there dating or anyting. You more or less just run up and claim your shit and you stick to that choice till death, or you run around and impregnate everything you see so that your genes become dominant. Well fuck that. I'm having trouble finding one girl I want to sleep with. I'm not just going to go run out and grab a random one or fuck everyone of them to ensure that my genes get passed. Fuck, I'm having a hard time just getting by by myself. Why would I ever want a litter of me running around if I can't even solve the problem at hand?
This has been a very long winded and preachy, as well as completely opinionated and biased rant that undoubtedly has either offended people, made people debate their beliefs or has been met with such apathy as to make people even shake their heads while they click away from here. I don't really care what you pull from this. I can't sleep because I can't dream and I can't stand it.
And now you know.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
