2002-09-10 - 11:17 a.m.
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This is an important day...because the cable guy is coming today
"Yup that's what everyone's getting. Everyone's getting a kick in the ass for christmas" - Drunken Belmo
Lackluster life aside, I'd say things are fucked.
Day before the Day. That day everyone will always remember and never forget. I try to remember it as this:
It comes after Tuesday and right before Thursday.
Maybe I'm shut down inside to anything lately, but I really don't seem to be giving much of a shit lately about a lot of things. School is awful, the house is too much work, I'm constantly questioning what the hell I'm really looking for (in life and in love).
I just got a "I want to meet you" thing from Hotornot.com, something I put an entry in as a joke. This goes back to Lowell, I think Rob Lynch found it. Rating someone based on thier looks...only pompous thought prevails on the internet. As if the scores meant anything.
Hell, I got a 9.4 out of 10 and I can tell you that I'm not shit to look at.
And I opened it and the woman who wants desperately to meet me because of a photo taken 2 years ago of me in Sheehy hallways, standing there in a white t-shirt and fading jeans, actually jumpstarted something in her to provoke her to show interest in me. As if I'd solve all her problems because I looked nice in a picture. Or maybe just make her feel unalone.
I can't even put words down anymore without feeling like I'm doing something stupid. I'm definitely in a slump right now, physically as well as mentally and emotionally. Too much drama, too much apathy. The weather's much too nice. The days are way too long or not long enough.
The only way I can explain this is I feel like I have so much to say but my pen is dry when I go to write it down.
And then there's the woman again, desperately seeking something. Did she realize maybe this isn't the best way to find people? This isn't the best way by far? Hell, even if someone talked to me for 4 hours online, I'd give it a while before I took down the internet barrier. That nameless faceless firewall where we all whisper through the cracks to each other, hoping to be able to see something good on the other side.
People have been abducted from meeting someone on the internet before. I don't have any intention of becoming someone's loveslave in a closet for a week because of Hotornot.com.
And then there's the other interests. Other people interested. Where the hell did this all come from? Just when I start to get used to being by myself, get used to waking up and falling asleep with no other thought on my mind than "what do I do next?" and now all of a sudden, as if someone hit me with crazy girl attracto spray, I'm getting inundated (Shpunt's favorite word) with constant flirting, constant smiles, constant "how's your weekends".
I do the same thing, I'll admit it. I ask about people's weekends or vacations or days off or how school is going or work or life or whatever. But at least I know when I ask it, I mean it.
I've read back on my older stuff, not here but writing wise. I've looked over my moviescript, my poems, my stories, my novel idea. I've scanned through them all and I feel like I'm reading the words of some lunatic, some other crazy person hell bent on showing the world what is wrong and right with it. Some wacko dedicating countless hours of his/her life to take apart everything, break down everything, disassemble everything, strip it all down, separate the stupid from the gold, stomp down the bullshit, carry the good on my shoulders. Or thier shoulders.
Pete, you sent me a short story written by a genious, completely raw and to the point, for inspiration, but I feel like you're filling a bucket with a hole in it. I appreciate your gesture and I hope one day I can repay the favor.
But I'm all out. I've used it all up, spent every last vapor and every last essence of inspiration, modivation, innovation, desperation, aspiration, celebration and all the other -tions that I shun to listen to. I'm all done, I'm ready to stop now, and tomorrow scares me because it could be the end. It could be the end of all this, all this we see. It's already happened before, just about a year ago, on a day just like this. But who knows what tomorrow will show me, who knows who will show me tomorrow. Everyone says there's always tomorrow but I'm too pissed about my todays to even think of tomorrow. Tomorrow is something that never exists, because you can never get to tomorrow. You can only get to today and look back at yesterday. You can only go forward but never back. No matter how much you look back, it won't change a damn thing. Watching something isn't the same as being there.
And watching it all come down doesn't stop it from falling. Even here.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
