2002-12-09 - 4:28 p.m.

***

I'm an idiot

I'm the biggest fucking idiot in the world.

I failed Psychology. Not that I don't understand Psychology, but I just don't CARE about Psychology enough to want to do the work. I just couldn't get it together like I thought I could and BAM! there I go on a failure tip.

That's two in two years.

I have not failed a course ever in my life until my last year at Lowell, with Intro to Electrical Engineering II. And that was because of the motherfucking TA bullshit. Fuck that.

So now I've earned a failure all on my own. It hurts, really. It really stings and I don't like the feel of it. I don't care about school, but someone telling me I didn't learn something all semester long can go fuck themselves. I just didn't care. In all honesty, if I really liked the class, I could have gotten an A, which is why this stings so much. I wasn't interested enough to apply myself, so I end up screwing myself over in the end.

It was awful.

I blame a lot of it on this semester's chain reaction of apathy. So many things made me so pissed off and so annoyed that I shut down inside, stopped caring about things. I watched so much TV, I know something good on for every half hour of television for the weekdays. That's not right. That's just not right. No one should know that Spongebob Squarepants comes right before Pete and Pete and right after the Simpsons...ON TOTALLY DIFFERENT CHANNELS FOR EACH ONE. I KNOW WHATS ON RIGHT NOW! IT'S MOTHERFUCKING KING OF THE HILL ON FOX 44! WHY DON'T I KNOW ABOUT COGNITIVE DIFFERENCE AND CORRELATION COEFFICIENTS? WHY GOD WHY?

If the question was "What color is Little Pete's hat in the Adventures of Pete and Pete?" on the test, I would get all credit for it, because it's red plaid. And I know this. BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND HEURISTICS!

CONDITIONAL RESPONSES AND CONDITIONAL STIMULII!?!?!? WHAT ARE THOSE? ARE THEY ANYTHING LIKE A KRABBY PATTIE? NO? OH GREAT!

I bet if B.F. Skinner saw my grades and the answers I put down on that final today, he would shit in his grave before spinning in it, assuming B.F. Skinner is a behavioral psychologist and not the old lady on the Sunday Night Sex Show, which was probably my answer.

Fcuking TV. Why did she have to entice me so? Why did she have to show me stupid rednecks running away from cops on Cops or anything from SNL or the Simpsons. Why did I still watch Alias and even fucking Andy Richter, knowing full well I should have been learning about why beer fed rats can't find platforms when dropped into a box full of water easily (that was in there), how babies love the smells under thier own mother's armpits and breasts while breastfeeding (yup that too) and what happens when you pretend someone messed up an experiment and you make them sign an agreement acknowledging they fucked up, when they didn't (in there? and how...)? Was I retarded for 24 hours and I just didn't know about it? Is there a possibility that I have a case of the stupids that can't be cured? Is this residual stupidity from the utter stupidity that I had at Lowell finally making it's way out of my skull at an inopportune time? Whatever the case is, I've failed Psychology, a class I think I needed somewhere, for some reason.

If I can't get the 3 little points I think I need to get a D-, I think I'm royally screwed.

BMC

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