2001-11-14 - 10:52 p.m.
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Angry Belmo
Damn am I soooo pissed off right now.
I go away for one weekend and I come back and everything is all fucking annoyuing and I had 2 tests today and ARGGGGGGGH god damn it! I can't stand this place sometimes...
I didn't get to see Darcie, one of the people I didn't see and wanted to see the most. And today I talked to her and it sunk in that it was completely avoidable and that made me even more pissed off.
I think I figured out why I've been so pissed off lately.
I quit smoking cigarettes one month and one week from today exactly, and its taken a big toll on my emotions and nerves and life in general. I'm still going through withdrawal symptoms, sometimes even worse than before. I don't want to give into this shit, I want to be bigger than this. I know I have the will not to do it, and I know I have the personal strength to see this through, but I don't know if it's worth it. I have been nothing but stingy for a long time and people are starting to get pissed off about it.
All that aside, I'm writing a poetry novel now. It's based on my schedule and the poems I write in my classes, and I already have 30 poems rounded up for it. Just a dozen more to go and I get my manuscript, ready to edit, and then I start sending out copies...this is completely possible. I can't wait to see this happen.
But at the same time, I really need this semester to end real bad because my world is crumbling down as I speak. This weekend was the best in teh world, but it was a big mistake to leave all sorts of shit up in the air. I'm visiting my sister this coming weekend, which is another 2 days that I'm going to be out of the Plattsburgh state of mind, and then its 2 days till Thanksgiving and I'm gone for a whole week for that. The timeline for failure needs only these mistakes to begin.
I'm so close to finishing up well this semester and I can't afford to lose this momentum, but I'm starting to slip. I want to go back to Lowell, so I do this for myself and I do this for that fact, which in turn is for myself again at the power of others.
I think I'm going to go beat up a piece of paper with a pen.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
