2002-06-19 - 11:20 a.m.
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Belmo On TV
�I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she stays then it�s cool. If you spew and she bolts, it was never meant to be.� - Wayne Campbell
So I�m sitting around, watching TV and some piece of shit dating show that made my skin crawl came on. It�s called �Change of Heart� and here�s the basis:
- guy and girl fight
- guy and girl get booked on TV show, as opposed to solving problem by themselves
- guy dates another girl and girl dates another guy
- They compare dates while Satan laughs
- Someone goes home alone, whether they came with someone or not.
Shut up. I realize this is an internet diary.
Anyways.
With recent personal events that there�s no way in Hell I�ll talk about directly in here, I sort of feel like a moment in my life has mimicked this mockery of relationship mayhem. So I�m going to recreate that time indirectly, in the form of a fake game show dialogue that really happened. The names have been changed to protect the guilty, except for my name because I wrote this.
*Audience of people guaranteed to never be emotionally satisfied begin to hoot and holler like apes as the theme music starts*
Announcer: Hey there and welcome to Change of Heart, the game show sure to kill any form of relationship at the power of breasts. I'm your announcer, Joe Somebody and here�s your host, Chesty McCleavage!
Chesty: Thanks Bob. Hey everyone. It�s time to play Change of Heart. We found two people who were sick of each other and thought that they needed to test their love for each other
*Audience unnecessarily ooooooooo�s. Someone barks.*
Chesty: That�s right, we set these quarreling lovebirds up with some other people who desperately need a face in their lap.
*Laugh track plays over the 3 or 4 people who might have chuckled, but could be coughing*
Chesty: Hahahahahah. Yeah. Anyway, let�s bring out our contestants.
*Cut to a shot of the couple*
Announcer: He�s Mark. He�s an author and a bastard. He lives by himself and is downright rotten. She�s Jocelyn. She goes to school and loves poetry. Back to you Chesty�
*Audience claps for no particular reason*
Chesty: Thanks John. Let�s hear why these two are fighting.
*Aggressive dance music begins goosh-gooshing in the background.*
Mark: I just don�t care. She could stay, she could go. But if I see her with someone else, I�m just going to strangle the life out of him. Or leave. Either way. I don�t even care.
*Audience ooooooooooo�s like someone talked to the hand.*
Chesty: Ho hoooooooo. Looks like someone is a little moody.
*Audience laughs hysterically for 3 minutes while Chesty sits, smiling.*
Chesty: Ok, let�s hear Jocelyn�s side of it
*Alanis Morrisette music plays.*
Jocelyn: I don�t understand. I want to be with him but I just don�t know. He loves me, I know he does, but he just doesn�t show it. I try to share with him, but he just won�t. I don�t know. I just don�t want to feel trapped anymore.
*Audience does the cute kitty witty awwwwwwwww. A fart is heard*
Chesty: Awwwww poor thing. Ok, let�s meet their dates!
*Pictures of Belmo and a really beautiful woman appear*
Announcer: He�s Belmo. He can�t do anything right and he writes poetry to kill the time. She�s Linda. She�s just beautiful. I mean, look at her�perfect legs, perfect hair, perfect ass�
Chesty: Bill�
Announcer: Lips so full and those breasts!
Chesty: Jackie!
Announcer: My god, if I wasn�t in this stupid announcing booth�
Chesty: TIMMY! THE SHOW MUST GO ON�
Announcer: Oh�umm�mmmhmmm. Um back to you Chesty.
*Audience cheers a Super Bowl Touchdown cheer.*
Chesty: Thanks Phil. Let�s hear from these contestants.
*Punk music and awkward camera angles*
Belmo: AYYYYY! I�m Belmo. I think this whole game show should burn to the ground. If I knew that if I went out with this girl on a �date� that I ended up here, I would have left the bar. I just want to go home.
*Audience boos. I don�t know why*
Chesty: Fu** you very much, Belmo. Let�s hear from Linda.
N*Sync plays. Some people in audience dance, others drop into violent convulsions.*
Linda: Haha I�m so happy just to be on TV. I�m also studying to be a veterinarian of a stock market broker. I don�t know which hee hee hee hee.
*Audience hollas as she jumps up and down and claps.*
Chesty: Alright, isn�t that special. OK, let�s bring these people out here.
*Everyone goes crazy as the four of them walk out. Everyone is dressed in clothes 3 times nicer than they�d ever buy for themselves.
Chesty: Alright. And now, for no reason, here�s some commercials!
*Theme music plays. Audience erupts into hoots and hollers. There�s a commercial for Kraft Mac and Cheese, Depends, life insurance, the Lilo and Stitch movie twice in a row, Burger King, Oldsmobile and some Soap Opera. Then the show comes back.*
Announcer: Welcome back. Time to meet the contestants!
Chesty: Hey, that�s my line, Ed!
Announcer: Up yours Chesty. And my name�s Joe, bitch.
Chesty: Whatever. Well, now that we�ve met our contestants, let�s hear how their dates went. Mark, want to start?
Mark: Sure, whatever. I showed up at like 7�
Linda: Yeah he did!
*Audience goes oooooooooo right on cue.*
Mark: Yeah, so we went to this bar and we just drank a lot. We didn�t really talk a lot.
Chesty: Oh? Was it because you two were too busy �getting close�?
*Audience whistles and hoots like idiots.*
Mark: No. We just wanted to drink. Anyway, we ended up leaving and screwed in my car and I dropped her off at home.
Linda: He certainly dropped me off!
*Audience laughs and someone does the Homer Simpson �Woo Hoo!�.*
Chesty: That�s just great. Ok, how about you, Jocelyn?
Jocelyn: Well, you guys never gave me a date, so I just went out with my friend and we went out to the bars, just so I didn�t sit at home thinking about my boyfriend out on a date.
Chesty: Awwwwww. How cute.
Jocelyn: So I see Belmo and I knew him from a class we had, so I went over and started to talk.
Chesty: Ooooh, I bet you guys really talked up a storm!
*Audience doesn�t know how to react, so they just cheer.*
Belmo: Actually, that�s what we did. Talked. A lot. We got to know each other really well. I told her a lot about me and we discussed a few poems I wrote and �.
Chesty: Great. So what happened next?
Jocelyn: Well, I was a little drunk and we started dancing and getting real close to each other.
Belmo: I kissed her on the neck
*audience goes awwwwwww, rethinks it�s reaction, then goes OOOOOOOOOOOO.*
Belmo: What? She was dancing up on me and I was attracted to her.
Jocelyn: I was glad he did because I�ve wanted to do something like that for a while with him and just never told him.
Chesty: Isn�t that nice? After these commercials, we�ll hear what else went on when Change of Heart returns.
*Music plays and the audience cheers madly. There�s a commercial for a carpet cleaner, a Planned Parenthood facility, 3 commercials for other TV shows and a commercial for Nads Hair Removal before the show returns.*
Announcer: ...I don�t need to hear it from a stupid bitch like her (sounds of whiskey being chugged) I mean it, she doesn�t even know my goddamn name. 5 years as an announcer and she�.ummm Welcome back to Change of Heart�
Chesty: Thanks Billy. So, before the commercial break, we were hearing from Jocelyn about her date with Belmo
Belmo: Well, it wasn�t really a date�
Chesty: Shut up Belmo. So, Jocelyn, Belmo kissed your neck
Jocelyn: (blushing) �yeah. He�s really a sweet guy.
*Awwwwdience goes awwwww.*
Chesty: Yeah, sure. So, tell us what else sweetie did.
Jocelyn: Well, we sat down and drank some more. Belmo left to go see some friends.
Belmo: Actually, I went to go to the bathroom to throw up. I had eaten a whole bunch of nachos and had like 6 orange vodkas with orange juice, along with a tequila shot and all that dancing made me really sick. I loved every minute of dancing, but I just had to go throw up in the bathroom or else I would have possibly thrown up on her and then we wouldn�t be here.
Chesty: Wise move, Romeo. I�m sure our sponsors thank you. So then what happened?
*Audience laughs 5 seconds too late because a stage hand couldn�t get the top off of the canned laughter. He was later beaten and fired.*
Jocelyn: Well, it was last call and we went to a pizza place. I got a slice but didn�t feel like eating it, so I made Belmo eat it.
Belmo: Yeah, I was afraid I�d throw up again the rest of the night because of that�
Chesty: I�m sure you were!
*Audience inappropriately golf claps.*
Jocelyn: Yeah, well I wanted cigarettes at 2 AM, and after we walked over to a bunch of stores, with no success, I sent my friend out to go get some.
Belmo: Yeah, the stores were closed.
*Audience says oooooo, unable to react to actual conversation anymore.*
Jocelyn: Yeah, so we went back to my place and we started kissing. We fooled around in my bed a little, but it got a little too heavy for me so I made him stop.
Chesty: Why? Was he bad?
*Audience laughs uncontrollably and everyone onstage fidgets, waiting for them to stop.*
Jocelyn: No, it was real good. But I didn�t feel comfortable.
Chesty: You must have been really pissed Belmo!
*Audience boos before they hear the answer.*
Belmo: Actually I didn�t care. I wasn�t going to force her to do something she didn�t want to do. Besides, if I did force her, I couldn�t have enjoyed it because I would have made a beautiful time dirty if I did anything uncomfortable with ...
Chesty: Oh that�s nice. So, what did you think of Belmo�s move?
Jocelyn: Actually, I appreciated it and even enjoyed just laying there cuddling naked. I told him I could fall in love with him,
*Audience boos, but then realizes that�s the wrong thing and starts awwww-ing.*
Chesty: So you lay there all night?
Belmo: Yeah. Then I got up at 7 AM because I had to study for finals and I kissed her good-bye and walked home a half a mile.
*Audience cheers wildly.*
Belmo: Is this show fucking for real?
*Audience laughs and then makes quacking sounds for no reason.*
Chesty: Hahahahahah. Shut up. So, I wonder what happened to our contestants hearts, as in I wonder if they changed them. Here�s commercials.
*Music plays and audience starts a riot, throwing chairs and making barnyard animal sounds. There�s another commercial for Nads, 2 for tampons, one for a maxipad, A Taco Bell commercial, a Super Soaker commercial and a Hits of the Early to Mid 80�s compilation CD before the show abruptly comes back.*
Announcer: YOU CAN�T FIRE ME! IT�S HER FAULT! SHE IS TOO DUMB TO HOST A TELEVISION SHOW! WHERE ARE THE MORALS IN THIS COUNTRY? THIS SHOW IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL (a door slams open and shouts and rustling are heard as Joe is taken away)
Chesty: Hehehehe. Jack, that joker. Always saying the funniest things. Well, now�s the time to find out if our contestants are going to be sticking their face into a new person�s face or stick with the same old one. Now Mark, I know you and Linda had a good time.
Linda: I think I�m knocked up!
*Audience cheers as she jumps up and down and claps.*
Chesty: That�s special. So Mark, are you going to go for knocked up Linda or bastardize a child and stay with Jocelyn, taking her away from that sonvabitch over there?
Mark: Whatever. (holds up a card that says �whatever.�)
*Audience says oooooooooo for the 300th time.*
Chesty: So sweet of you. Well Jocelyn, what did you say?
Jocelyn: Well Belmo, I had a great time, but I�m sorry. I don�t know what I want and even though you make me happy and I make you happy, I�m going to have to stay with Mark. I�m really sorry.
*Audience cheers as she holds up a card with a picture of a middle finger on it*
Chesty: Well sorry you guys, but it looks like the two of you couldn�t separate these quarreling lovebirds�
Belmo: But he doesn�t even love her! He doesn�t even give a shit about her! He just knocked up some girl and now he still gets her to come back? How is that love?
Christy: Silly Belmo. No one �loves� anymore. Well, I�m Chesty McCleavage and this has been another episode of Change of Heart. Got a personal problem? Let TV solve it for you in front of millions. Bye bye now.
*Credits roll as a new announcer says:*
New Announcer: Contestants who went home without someone to go down on will receive a year�s supply of Nads Hair Remover. Nads: the best hair-rippy-offer thingy with the funniest name ever.
Here are some fun facts about the following story:
- It�s a true story mixed into a fake episode of a crappy game show
- �Mark� never knocked someone else up, but the speculation that he was anything less than loyal is as good of a guess as any.
- I only slightly exaggerated the audience reaction for this show.
- It is true: Nads is the funniest name ever given to something designed to rip hair out of your legs.
Well, that�s the end of that story. From all of me here to all of you there, goodnight. And remember to have your pets spayed and neutered to cut down on the pet population.
I�ve always wanted to say that.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
