2004-10-26 - 1:16 p.m.
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You must have all eaten paint chips as kids. My mom never bought me that cereal I guess...
Here's a notice to America.
Ashlee Simpson can't sing.
Or she can.
Or who cares.
Honestly. Who cares?
Apparently, the answer is every goddamn person in the world.
Is anyone else insulted by this?
Granted, it's HILARIOUS and I repeat HILARIOUS to see someone put in the spotlight, someone who's job it is to entertain by singing songs concocted by a slew of producers and song writers, someone who couldn't write a song to save her underage-but-let's-try-sexy-anyway ass. In fact, the only reason she is there is because her sister is too busy to record any music except the horrible holiday CD's they're selling to you in 7-11. Jessica Simpson, the only Simpson that should be trying to act all sexy, is too busy playing dumb on television...
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Just to call to your attention I did say playing dumb. Is she dumb as a post? Yes. She's retarded. She is absolutely ridiculously stupid. She's so stupid, it makes blondes ashamed to have the same hair color because it just set back the "Blonde People are Smart too, Dummy" movement back years. She's dumb alright...all the way to the bank. You see, it's only television dumb. Honestly, do you really think someone could be that vapid? I mean, fine fine fine, Anna Nicole Smith has her own reality show and she's REAL dumb and by real I mean "Ok Mrs. Smith the cameras are off" and she's still dumb. But while on TV Jessica Simpson is absolutely ridiculously stupid, she's also in real life absolutely ridiculously rich by acting that way. I read this one article, I think it was in People (yes I read People. Judge me as you see fit) and she even admitted it's all an act. Why else would anyone tune into that dung heap of a show? Because her or her husband make good music? If you believe that, you're dumber than her Stupid Jessica character. Yes. Character. Reality show? Hardly. Half of the reality shows you see are scripted and the other half are intentionally put together the way they are because it will ensure one of the people will try to decapitate another. There is no reality in reality television except for the fact that everyone involved in reality television is really making a lot of money off of you, charging exhorbanent amounts of money for ads because a bajillion people want to know if Jessica Simpson will think buffalo wings really came from a buffalo or if this person in Survivor will stab the other one in the back. You tune in, they cash in, we all lose. We've done this to ourselves - we all thought it was so neat to watch people getting catty with each other on MTV when the Real World came out. It just opened the doors to the anal raping of television. Enjoy America! You've given yourself an intellectual enema
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...and the Simpson who shouldn't be allowed near a camera is getting the biggest publicity campaign you've ever seen because she messed up. This is a higher response than if she actually DID something, you know, went out and sang. We're willing to pay more attention to her for failing to do what she wants us to pay attention to her for doing: singing.
And the whole "shocker" about live performances being lip synched and all? ARE YOU FUCKING THAT DAFT THAT YOU DIDN'T NOTICE THIS?!?!!?
Do a test for me.
Think of the only song in the world you know all the words to.
Go on. There has to be one. There are as many songs in the world as there are grains of sand on a beach. Even if it's happy birthday or the alphabet song, it will do. This is an easy test - no extra credit will be given for knowing the words to Carmina Burana.
Now. Sing it. Do nothing at all. Nothing whatsoever. Don't jump, don't kick, don't move a single inch. Just sing the song.
......well wasn't that just lovely. A little flat but otherwise fine.
Now.
Do it again. This time, jump up and down, run in circles WHILE SINGING IT THE WHOLE TIME. Those who can't handle two things at once might want to eat something to give them energy enough to accomplish this, maybe get some coffee. Do jumping jacks, roll on the ground - hell stomp on the ground for all I care.
You might want to pick a longer song than Happy Birthday to understand what I'm getting at.
These performers couldn't possibly give you a show like what you want to see AND sound good at the same time. They jump. They roll on the ground. Hell, look at any live performance from here on out on television and when you see them do a jump and land and their vocals don't jar from the force of their body abruptly hitting the ground, they're lip synching.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS.
I'll repeat it again, using bold this time. Maybe you'll see it this time.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. PERIOD.
Why would I say such a thing? "Isn't lip synching like lying, playing to a tape and pretending I sang it live when all I did was dance to a tape of something I recorded already?"
To you, hypothetic monologue, I say shut the fuck up. No there is nothing wrong with this. You're listening to a 17 year old girl singing about sex, clubbin', sex, everyone giving her her privacy, the troubles of being a girl (who drives in limos and is given everything and still manages to have it hard apparently) and sex. THAT'S what's wrong. You're willing to pay money to hear about some half baked ideas from a music producer on how to use an underage girl to sing about adult things. Did you see the Lindsay Lohan video? I did. She could barely keep her breasts in her shirt. Some of the first lines? "blah blah blah ALL UP IN THE CLUB..." ALL UP IN THE FUCKING CLUB?!?!? Then she goes on to sing something along the lines of privacy issues, how the media is attacking her, blah blah blah, I just want to be understood. Something like that.
It's just entertainment. It's done solely to grab your attention. And your money. That's it. Not for musical creation, not for artistic merit. Not even to make a statement.
Remember when Brittany did something like this? Like every goddamn song she wrote? The only difference I can see is the modernization of this with the line "all up in the club." Apparently, all up in the club is where everyone is. Everyone (but you) is all up in the club and even if you are one of the lucky people to be up in the club, I highly doubt cameras are going off everywhere you go. And if they are, they are probably your drunken friend's polaroid because your underwear is showing and you managed to put it on inside out and oh look, the guy you grabbed from the slew of drunken messes is vomitting in front of the bar. CLICK!
So how does this relate to everyday life?
It fucking doesn't. But you'll buy it.
You'll buy it and not only buy it but you'll buy it every goddamn time. You'll buy it again and again and again. And you'll keep buying, I promise.
How do I know? Ask Tiffani or Debbie Gibson how familiar this all sounds. They did this in the 80's when all these girls singing it now were only jizz.
Literally.
Which brings me back to my initial point - why are we even paying attention to this? Did you know that TONS (I'll repeat - TONS) of warheads were missing in Iraq, warheads that could detonate a nuclear weapon? Did you know about the 50 or so Iraqi soldiers fresh out of training that were found unarmed executed in the back of the head on their way home from a day of training? How about in other areas of the world? Japan had earthquakes. Did you know? There are 40,000 reported rapes by militants in the Congo. Do you even know where that is? People demonstrating in Thailand were killed rioting. We're facing one of the most publicized elections in recent memory. Do you even know where these candidates stand on any of their issues? Forget that Bush sucks. You hear that everyday. So what? WHY? WHY DOES HE SUCK? I know why. I'm not asking you why so that I know. I'm asking you if YOU know why. Do you know why Kerry is better? Do you know IF Kerry is better?
There are MILLIONS of things going off at once here. This is the craziest time in the world for us right now because we are opening our eyes to problems overseas more than ever. THESE PROBLEMS WERE ALWAYS THERE. There has been turmoil throughout the world for some time now, a lot in direct result of our own country's actions. We are completely the exception in this world when it comes to lifestyles. NO ONE LIVES LIKE WE DO. No one. We live hokey pointless lives where the only thing we can worry about is Ashlee Simpson's singing of songs that are atrocious anyway.
Every person I know has asked me if I saw this happen on TV. No I didn't. But I heard it enough where I looked it up online. She stood there all dumb, got scared, danced a little and ran off. The station cut out. The end.
I don't know why this should be history in the making. This is a mistake, plain and simple. Even if it isn't a mistake, even if it's done on purpose to ensure you're paying attention, don't.
Ignore it.
I realize I've dedicated some considerable space here to discussing this, so I'm "not ignoring it" and run the risk of sounding like a hypocrite. I did this in answer to the outcry of attention it received. To me, that is more interesting that the actual act of what happened because it shows me you'd rather pay attention to someone who fucks up than do their job right.
And I wrote this at work, so I guess it's true if you read all the way through this.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
