2004-11-03 - 1:19 p.m.
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Unity through stupidity - We've all lost together
The following is the speech from John Kerry, going off in his head....
"Hello my fellow Americans. I would like to thank you kindly for your support in the past few years and I come to you today not in concession but in victory. My opponent, the vile Mr. Bush, has just been notified and is now crying with snot dripping from his nose as he kicks in a circle like Curly from the Three Stooges. It has been discovered that there is a law prohibiting imbeciles from holding public office such as the Presidency and the reason he was allowed to serve as President of the United States of America was because he was never elected anyway - he was just playing as President. Now we have the power where it deserves to be - with someone who actually earned their position.
"My first duty as your President is to tie the entire Bush Administration to a rocket, to be fired a la Superman 4: the Quest for Peace style into the sun. We will be coating them with a special substance that will ensure their safety, but will cook them for hours on end in deadly agonizing pain. As per a poll we passed around our offices, John Ashcroft will be tied to the nose. This is just so someone gets it first and is not indicative of Ashcroft's importance - in fact, the man is simply worthless and it's about time he did something productive anyway.
"I will begin by saying that I expect all corporations that have ever been spawned in the United States to stop Super-sizing their meals and to use cheaper grade gas - you'll be paying through the nose for the punishments you've instilled on this country.
"Also, just to let you know, they give me a key to the Secret Vault as President, whose entrance is in between Lincoln's legs at his memorial. Don't worry, there's no need to try to break into the Vault now. We'll be putting out everything we've worked on and also will be freeing the captive space aliens that have been enslaved there to develop new and improved ways to brew beer with less and less calories and carbs. Also about that - it's not the carbs you're eating. That was just a ploy. We needed to make money in our beef market after all you people got a little spooked from that Mad Cow scare we had and we had to get you people eating anything. All those who participated in the Atkins Diet - we have your info. In fact, if you sneezed in a Kleenex, we have your info. Hell, just hearing the sound of my voice has downloaded your information from your aureal tubes and into my brain. I'm going to upload the information to our database and we will issue you a pill that will get rid of all your bad cholesterol. It also eats butt fat.
Nah, fuck that. Ass fat. That's another thing - let's liven this place up a bit. Effective immediately, the FCC will be abolished and all those seeking censorship will be launched into the sun on the Bush Administration Express. Feel free to curse as you see fit and to honor this, the national anthem, which is impossible to sing well unles you've been classically trained, has been changed to the theme from Team America World Police. Let the words "America! FUCK YEAH! Kiss my ass and suck on my balls!" reverberate through the streets."
*takes a huge bong hit and passes it to Edwards, who falls over before he can exhale*
"Yeah. About that. It's legal. Stop complaining already. And no, everything else isn't going to ever be legal. We've used our time machine in the Secret Vault to look ahead - there's no hope for you coke and meth heads. But pot heads - toke up on us. Each citizen will be sent a Quap of the danky dank as reparations for denying you this ability to smoke.
"This may seem like martial law instead of a presidency. That's because it is. Oh, you thought I was the 'Pussy Candidate'? Was I too soft on Iraq? Did I mislead you thinking I was going to pull our boys home? Well, that's only half true. I don't want our troops over there anymore. It's a wasteland there. I think we've destroyed enough of it and I think everyone there can go suck it. Effective immediately, we will be using our teleportation machines and we'll be sending our troops home instantaneously. They will be home...well they're home right now. All troops will have hookers of their sexual persuation sent to their houses as thanks for their services as I have just made prostituion legal....now. They are allowed to do as they see fit. After they're done cleaning up, they must report at once to their base so that they can be given cool black uniforms so that we can crush you wih an iron hand from the streets. Only people from the Army will be allowed to join the elite Deth Force 2004, named by Edwards and me after a night of Bacardi and lime juice shots we played the Buffy the Vampire Slayer drinking game with. This is because they put their lives on the line for no reason, and also because they already have guns so fuck it. Buffy will also be put back on air. The Middle East will just be nuked from space with the Star Wars missle defense system that we claimed "never worked" but hey, do you show your opponents your cards when you play Texas Hold' Em? Not until you go all in baby, and we're all in. Let this be a lesson to the world - watch as I nuke all evidence of any war in the Middle East out of existence."
*On screen is a mushroom cloud seen from space that lights up half the world*
"Also, look here."
*Pulls out the thing from Men in Black that wipes your memory and flashes it*
"What Middle East? That's my point.
"For all of you wondering where we will get our oil from, fear not. Remember the garbage fuel machine from Back to the Future 2? That wasn't a prop. In fact, the whole damn car is real. Me and Edwards have been going back in time for the past hour or so, returning to the same time in the past but 5 minutes ahead each time and taking turns pantsing Benjamin Franklin while we huff ether out of an American flag like in Fear and Loathing.
"Ether is still illegal except for us.
"Finally, let me close by saying kiss my fucking ass, you all doubted me and told me I'm a flip flopper. So fine. I'm a flip flopper. And I'll flip *puts up middle finger* flop *flops out dick tattooed with the American flag* all over the place if I want *waives both patriotically* and anyone who has something to say, let me refer to the part of my speech where I explain how we handle the Bush Administration. Just wanted to let you know all of this before we make television illegal for all under the age of 30 and make radio illegal until somene makes music worth listening to.
Your civil liberties are mine. Please go home and stay there before the Deth Force 2004 comes out and ... well it's already too late. Hope you're watching this from home, suckas."
NOTE: the views expressed in this ridiculous post are those of a bored individual who thinks even this would be better than Bush being president. This is going to be the suckiest 4 years you've ever seen. Hope you're all happy with yourselves.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
