2002-07-30 - 7:00 p.m.
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Apocalypse Now...That's What I Call Music
"God, why hast thou forsaken me?" - J.C. on the cross.
EVeryone knows TV is the root of all evil, followed closely by it's lapdog, the internet. If there's one thing that the North Country television has taught me OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, besides the fact that our children can't read, math is a powerful tool, that there's a pregnacy center everywhere and that Dana Carvey has a fucking awful looking movie with that Turtle thing...
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Let me explain for those outside of Upstate New York's awful television radius. There isn't a big time audience up here that the major networks jizz over, so television here is run by affiliate networks. These are bastardized versions of REAL channels, playing reruns of your favorite shows...the ones you saw 5 years ago and already know by heart. Since they have no need for major money commercials up here, since Fox and other channels basically throw money at these channels to play thier leftovers (because legally, networks are only allowed to own a certain amount of stations), they allow local public service announcement commercials to play in "empty holes in the commercial space". I put this in quotations because these holes are EVERY SECOND OF COMMERCIAL SPACE it seems. These include commericals by the Church of Latter Day Saints and the "Make your kids read right the fuck right NOW" club. AS for the Dana Carvey commercial, if I hear him say "TURTLE TURTLE!" one more time on TV, I swear I just might kill someone. Brutally. I can't see that movie being funny at fucking all...
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...it's that the apocalypse is coming to us and it's called Pop music.
Now you might be saying "Captain Obvious, Pop sucks and everyone knows this. Why do you bring it up now?"
The answer is simple: the girl group Play.
This brings us back to television's role. Apparently, no one has money for anything up here but booze, drugs and girl bands, according to TV. I obtained this using "detective work":
- If there aren't ads on TV up here for making people stop using drugs, they're trying to sell Boy/girl group CDs.
- The boy/girl groups are slowly becoming worse and worse and worse, yet still sell multi-millions.
- Only people wacked out on Coke or Smack would buy any of these CDs, unless they haven't hit puberty yet.
This deadly combination of Pop and popping pills have allowed the spawn of Satan to create Play.
Play is a girl group that takes the "girl" part of the girl group to a new extreme. With all the members of the group being slightly older than sperm and probably weren't old enough to remember the New Kids on the Block, the ones considered most responsible for modern day boy bands...
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...and this may be due to them still wearing diapers at the time or thier mom didn't sit on one of thier dad's jizz stains in the bed and get knocked up yet)
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...they sing lovely songs about the sexual angst and longing that elementary kids must feel. Thier "hit" single, with Aaron Carter (who I think is the bastard brother of some guy in one of the REAL boy bands but I don't have the need to do any REAL investigating) is disturbingly called "I'm gonna make you love me".
I swear to fucking god. "I'm gonna make you love me". Look it up, I dare you.
Now, I haven't heard the song outside of the commercial, but I can guarantee that no good can come of the words because they were no doubt made by some slob with a hard on, rubbing himself wildly at the thought of little girls singing his songs of horny delight.
To further bring about consumer dollars, the CD sells on TV with addtional video, locker poster, milk money holder and other pointless trinkets guaranteed to blind people to the fact they're buying utter shit. AS those ideas slowly get figured out to be distractions, expect these to be replaced by gold bullion and diaphragms that are 100% effective to entice people to buy this horseshit.
So how does this bring about the apocalypse? Let's look at this with science, but further more, let's look at this with KISS.
It's debateable that today's boy bands are none other than rehashed versions of the New Kids on the Block, as mentioned above. Even though boy bands were arguably brought to the forefront by the Jackson 5, the New Kids on the Block (later NKOTB, to further up the ante of "cool") created the mold for the future.
Or maybe it was the warning for the future...
Boy bands ruled the latter end of the 90's and into the...whatever you call the 2000's. This was preceeded by the early 90's rise of grunge, which killed HAIR BANDS!
This is where it gets creepy, if it hasn't already.
Hair bands made no fucking sense what the fuck so ever. NONE. Do not try and convince me they did, because it's futile, much like the Star Trek belief on "Resistence". Motley Crue, Poison, Warrant, Bon Jovi, Stryper, Winger, Krokus... the list goes on and each is more vapid and horny than the last. Hair bands were created to MAKE MONEY.
THAT FUCKING DANA CARVEY COMMERCIAL JUST CAME... HE SAID THE FUCKING TURTLE THING! OH GOD I'M GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!
Anyway.
They were created to make money for the record label and only the record label. This is why most hair bands today are dead fucking broke, with the members resorting to play on game shows like Win Ben Stein's money for charities. Now, it's hard to say just where they came from, but my guess is they came from KISS.
At least KISS flaunts that they rip you off. They're are KISS diapers, KISS condoms, KISS human fetuses; KISS everything and KISS is fucking proud of it. It's a scientific fact that Gene Simmons can't greet someone without pitching a minimum of 5 products to them. To prove this, when he was on the Conan O'Brien show a few months back, he advertised just under 100 KISS products in the 7 minutes he was on the show.
KISS had to have started the hair band reign becasue of these simple similarities between KISS and all hair bands:
- KISS made it cool to put on extravagant stage shows with so-so songwriting and be famous for it
- KISS was one of the first rock bands to rape the shit out of consumers at any chance they could get.
- Everyone in any hair band who picked up a guitar or any instrument EVER wishes they were in KISS, even if only for 3 seconds, just so they can fly around attached to strings and spit "blood" on a crowd, only to screw everything in panties backstage.
- Drugs.
So, this idea born a decade ahead of it's time, flourishes underground until it bursts like an infected boil and covers everything. Motley Crue comes out and tears shit up a decade later, followed by Poison, much in the matter taht Backstreet Boys and N*Sync became the first to infect the country with god awful music. This sparked a shitstorm of people to follow and take after them. This lead to Poison. and Warrant. And Ratt. And W.A.S.P. and ....the list goes on, such as 98 degrees, O-Town, 2gether or whatever the shit those other horsefucker bands do. This didn't stay with just boys, as Britney Spears' breasts quickly shot into people's collective spank bank as she "busted" onto the scene, followed by Christina Aguilera.
It always comes in twos, like motherfucking sneezes, being just as powerful at first and lasting just as long.
The girls lead to a combination of troubles. While single Pop female singers were spawned by such memorables as Debbie "Debra" Gibson and Tiffani "No last name" Tiffani, which spewed forth Aaliyah, Jessica Simpson, MAndy Moore, Vitamin C and countless people who last as long as their beauty is fresh or don't die in plane crashes, it also erupted into girl versions of boy groups (which can only be distinguished between the two by using the tool of "cleavage". Otherwise, no one could tell the difference). This brought about Destiny's Child, Dream and other various and annoying girl group beasts.
This trickles down to Play.
Now, this all far from scientific, until now. If you know anything about energy, it's that it slowly runs from high to low. It doesn't die, it just goes somewhere else. Hot, boiling water becomes room temperature, gasoline getse used and turned into smoke and Greenhouse killing fun and Walkman batteries become useless, powerless pieces of shit you can use to throw at seagulls. Energy slowly loses it's way. As more and more girl groups erupt, there will be less and less girls who are NOT in girl groups and slowly there will be no one left to buy this crap, but it will still relentlessly run its course.
Here's where science truly enters.
In this world of music, where every girl group has a "smash hit record" somehow, the energy is slowly escaping, warning us, the "us" who blindly dictate how we want the music industry to steal our money, that music is going to die and therefore we will all die too. It started with high energy IN-YO-FACE Cock Rock with Hair bands, which was killed by grunge, a slightly less energetic and "Hey, look at the buldge in my pants" kind of music, but still somewhat lively music form. Grunge was kicked in the balls by our modern day Pop threat, although "electronica" music helped. The Pop beast, which is slowly dying, is destined to be annihilated by "Emo" or "Pussy Grunge".
The energy is slowly going away.
The coincidence goes deeper:
Hair Bands- Rule in the mid to late 80's, which came after shitty Disco songs, which killed Punk rock, and ended up with the country in recession.
Boy/Girl Bands- Rule in the Mid to late 90's, which came after Grunge, which was killed by electronica, which is just Disco in E, where we currently have a recession.
You'll be happy to notice that there's a Bush in the White House as well each time.
It shows here that this trend of "BUY THIS FUCKING MUSIC RIGHT THE FUCK RIGHT NOW" music is ended by "alternative" music and Disco insome bastardized form duking it out, but each stage becomes weaker and weaker and weaker until eventually, even Boy Bands will seem bad ass compared to future music and this will unavoidably cause music to die, which will cause the universe to fold in on itself and disappear.
Existence might have been started with the power of a Big Bang, but it will eventually cease with the whimper of a Pop Explosion.
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
