2002-08-04 - 1:26 p.m.
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What's the buzz with the Slums of Beverly Hills?
Moments I realized Canadian Television is far greater than American Television:
Last night watching the Slums of Beverly Hills, where
- Natasha Lyonne went down on herself with a vibrator and they showed the scene. On TV.
- The part of Marissa Tomei's "Boob Double" was not cut out of the presentation
- They said shit and motherfucker. On TV.
- The guy who had the Mexican in the movie "The Mexican", David Krumholtz, took a biiiiiiig bong rip. On TV.
This has been the only bonus of living in Plattsburgh so far this summer, besides beer prices being RIDICULOUSLY low at the Bait Shop.
So I came to a conclusion, after talking to my mom for an hour today and after watching Slums last night. I'm a big dirtbag and I'm not happy about it.
I'm relying on my parents to help me out financially and I can mess up and screw around and fuck up and they'll be there to help me.
This is stupid.
The dad in Slums, who is Alan Arkin, depends on taking money from his brother and by living in shitty apartments, constantly moving around.
Replace brother with mother and taht's more or less how I feel like right now. I feel scummy, I feel dirty. I've been a constant strain on thier bankroll becasue I refuse to seek a shitttttty job. I HAVE looked for a whole bunch of decent jobs, such as Borders, Subway, Stewarts, Sunoco, Express Lane and countless places at teh mall (which took the total disregard for my true loathing of the mall to do) all for nothing. It is true that if I realllly wanted a job, McDonalds always has a spatula handy or Burger King wants to replace the retarded kid on the fries machine. But in all actuality, I am fully capable of realizing the amount of money paid VS. time worked and maybe I'm just too snooty for my own good to "bow down" to take a fast food job.
I mean, I can remember working a job at Cherry Lane publishing, for god's sake! That's a better job than most of the people in this town, and I'm reallllly not trying to play the "I'm better than you are game". I've actually looked it up. IT paid almost twice what most jobs in this town do. And all I did was listen to CDs and transfer them to Wav clips so that a publishing house can hock music online. IT was ludicrous.
So anyway, I'm really not feeling well about myself right now. I've lived in filth this summer, had no money, had no fun, barely left my apartment compared to what I'd normally do and I've done nothing but felt like shit about it. I feel like a shadow of what I should be at this point in my life. I look around and see people I know with jobs and cars and money, still going to school and still doing what they want to do with themselves and I can't help but feel like maybe I've missed some step somewhere, maybe I've overlooked some point where I was supposed to start doing something somewhere at sometime that I never did. It's a hard thing to have to deal with when you feel like a failure to yourself, although I haven't really lost anything. I'm still going to school, still sticking it out, I'm not going out and robbing or stealing (although I have been known to vandalize sidewalks with spagetthi sauce from time to time) so I guess I'm not TOTALLY at a loss but shit man, it feels like I'm better than this, better than I've let myself live lately and I'm really not giving myself any push to dig myself out. Talking about isn't doing anything and I can really only wait out the rest of the summer to turn things around, because I'm not gonna really care about anything once I get out of this place come friday (or maybe even Thursday if I can plan everything right). So I sit and I bitch but I'm gonna have to swallow it up and just keep going until I get some basic ground on which to reclaim myself, collect my abilities and deal out the asswhooping on life I know I'm capable of.
I think I'll start today off with a Hot Pocket.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
