2003-06-29 - 8:17 p.m.
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This is the last day these emotions will be here. Good riddance.
I'm haunted by ghosts.
Digging through the vast depths of my closet, I unearthed your casket. Do you remember me, ghost? Am I already a wisp of smoke from a flame put out long ago that has dissipated in the air or is there a smoke cloud blocking your eyes still? Do you even remember me or am I just another notch in your belt or headboard, these notches you hear so much in all those heartbroken tributes to heartbreak that I've never even seen in all my years of belts and headboards? I'm right here, right now, still here, but now I'm different, so much different from back in the day because if I wasn't, I wouldn't be doing my job as a human being and changing. Changing everyday. Every thing changes and there is hardly a constant to hang your coat on, some kind of comfortable spot to relax in. I've been here all this time, been buzzing with pain and suffering and humming along despite the weight you've added to my soul.
Do you remember me? Remember anything at all? I found the bible to everything we've ever done today. I wasn't looking for it. I was looking for a CD and I looked up and saw it sticking out from underneath a pile of rubbish. It was in my closet and I put it there to remind me about you so that I would never forget what you did and I forgot about it. I kept that bundle of you on a metal wire shelf, shaded with old shirts and old men's magazines, the same ones I bought to read while I counted down the minutes on each of the trainrides I took to be with you. Each one a fucking eternity, each bump shaking me at the base of sanity, each stop I remained on until my stop laughing at me, taunting me.
I've shoved everything down and let it brew, let it bubble and rot. I let it all fucking boil and when I saw that binder full of old e-loveletters, the box of lies and gibberish, I flipped out and screamed; maybe at one time they held some form of meaning to you. Now they are your ghost. Now they are your legacy. Now they just sit around, they just sit. They sit in my closet, they sit in my head.
Do you remember me? You have to be miles upon miles away from me by now, in some tropical location, in some heated palm tree infested paradise. It fits you. It fits you to a tee. Far away from your parents, the people who took their lives out on you, the turmoil you just dumped onto me. And I'm sitting here, in this stale room. These windows haven't been opened in days, the only air coming through is tainted by coolant. It feels like a tomb in here and I lay on my bed like some mummy in a sarcophagus, wrapped up in tattered rags of memories, now tied down. I'm happily tied down and grounded, held close by a savior, protected by my rebuilt heart. I can rest easy now.
Do you remember me? That's someone who is as dead as your ghost. I haven't been that Me in a long time thanks to you. You've dried up my innocence, eliminated my naivete. I'd repay you but I have nothing but anger to offer you now. Anything I was then is probably gone. I was young, stupid, irrational. I ran off at the mouth defending things about you that were true, when you were false. I threw myself into the fire of my passion, burnt by my own hormones. I ran from all sense and decency. I walked away from sanity and now I have found my way back.
Am I overexaggerating? Am I making you out to be more of a demon than you really are? I very well could be. But only demons can say what you did and do what you did. Only evil can walk the path you had and allow such contempt in someone. You are the only person to make me feel stupid in my entire life and the feeling is one I'm not used to. I spit that taste out now, wash it out of my heart.
If you don't remember me by now, don't bother. I couldn't be so terribly missed anyway. And if you do remember, don't forget this: I never told anything but the truth - I put it all down as it was and I've kept everything all this time after, kept it all to remind me never to let this happen again and now I'm ready to drop these bags I've had for so long. Now I'm ready to release these spirits. I'm ready to clean this body so that I no longer taint anyone else with what was and what is not anyone's fault but my own.
I hereby wash your stink from my body.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
