2004-10-18 - 12:30 a.m.
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Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth
Lately I've been a bastard.
No it's so true. Lately I've been a down right fucking asshole to a lot of people. I'm sure there are people reading this that think there is nothing new in that statement and some might even be right in their case.
I've noticed this over the years. I've become a lot more of a complete jerk to people in general and it's really not anyone's fault. I just as of late have had a hostile disposition. I can't put my finger on it.
Or maybe I can. I've noticed I haven't been writing at all lately. I haven't been writing AT ALL. Zero. I've been silent on the writing front all together with the obvious exception of writing articles for work.
I want to work out all of my hostilities and anger and I think I should return to writing to do so. It really helps a lot. Even if I get it all out on paper and it's my anger that made the words appear, at least I'm taking it out on paper instead of people. I can imagine horrors and tragedies, I can describe destruction and dead, fan a plague on millions of people and obliterate all life in the universe in the blink of an eye.
On paper.
In real life, no one gets injured. Not one person even gets sick. The only injury would be paper cuts if the person reading it holds the paper wrong and you can't blame me for that. That's them being dumb.
I also noticed lately that I have neglected much of my life lately. I did laundry. And it's all over my floor. Oh, the clothes are definitely clean.
Well, cleaned. Now, they're carpet.
There is a fine layer of dust all over my room. Every inch of every piece of furniture has dust all over it. I just recently cleaned out my room and now it's back to dirty again.
The air in my room is always thick. It feels like a jungle in here sometimes and with the lights off, sort of looks like it.
And I don't sleep. Ever. Seriously. 4 hours nights of sleep are common place. I sleep on weekends. Even then, I don't sleep so much as I pass out. I woke up today hung over so bad I couldn't even breathe properly because it made my head hurt and stomach whine.
There are little things here and there that I've sat on or pushed down into myself so that I didn't have to deal with them. Just ignore it until it disappears. I've done that a lot lately. And it just makes it boil inside of me, it solves nothing. I lost my email address, [email protected], which has been the only email I check for a long time. Someone stole the password, changed it, changed my personal information and now, when I tried to enter that personal information in to get my email back, it said it was wrong. If you've never lost your password for Yahoo! before, let me give you a run down of procedures so that you'll be prepared when it happens to you:
- Step 1: Do absolutely nothing and just walk away because you won't get anyone on the phone who gives a damn or could even help you, as well as anyone sending emails back to you with online support, well, it's not a person anymore anyway. It's all been automated.
I don't know how they don't understand that if someone takes your information and changes even the slightest detail about it, you lose your identity. My birthday that I registered with remains the same - the one guy who tried to help me on the phone told me I had the date right for that. Then he told me all the other information was wrong.
End result after fighting for 2 weeks? I find out whoever took my ID also set up other ones using it as a jumping point. Belmonaut is now someone's spam monkey. I had left notes for one of my novel ideas in that inbox, ideas I would start on after I finished the novel I haven't looked at for months.
Almost years.
It's things like this. I get shut out from somewhere, I get shot down, I get declined, I get ripped off, I get cheated, I get kicked in the balls by life repeatedly every day and the end result is me going out of my fucking mind trying to find some kind of base to work from while I explode into this angry Tazmanian Devil-like fury all the time about the smallest things. I'm too high strung lately and I really just want to calm down, I want to finally have a reason to calm down. I know I complain about being lonely all the time here, I complain about not really having someone there for me anymore but honestly, I don't blame any of you. I've been absolutely rotten to be around lately and I really don't blame anyone, which is the worst part. I realize I'm doing it but I don't know why and I don't know how to stop it. I've put myself in a position where every day, I look from outside of myself and see me self-destructing, see the tatters of who I used to be and I get upset. I get furious and sad, sad only because I know that the end result of living like this, living angry and crabby and bitchy, always complaining, always starting shit or just making people feel lousy, it all ends with me being an old man who dies alone, no one there to even worry anything about him. And I don't want that. I'd rather be happy, I'd rather not care about trivial things but lately, there are too many times I've had to sit and take it, too many times where I've just had rotten luck lately and I'm tired of it too. IT makes me miserable to think that no matter what I do lately, I seem to fuck up majorly with something. I manage to mess something up. It's very unlike my way of thinking, at least what I thought my way of thinking was.
I'm going to go calm down a little now.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
