2004-08-03 - 1:26 p.m.

***

Caught

I can see the top of your head.

And the TV goes on and on but it doesn't seem to make sounds except for buzzes and hums. My head is wrapped up in sleep - I can't ever seem to stay awake.

That's all I've got.

That's all I have and it's not that much. In fact, it's really nothing. If I settled for that, I'd be holding onto absolutely nothing despite how important it was.

There is no end to the torture of the mind in these things. There's not a thing I can think of that sets me off this way, that pushes at me or pulls at me in this fashion. I'd be hard pressed to explain myself any further so I refuse to.

The air is cold and hurts. It beats me with unrelenting anger. And then, it doesn't. And that's all I have.

I know I'm being vague here. I know I'm not much for description, but it's been a long time and I don't have much. I don't have much at all. I have plenty, but I don't have much. There are worse things than this, there are much worse than I can imagine or even comprehend and I am thankful that I can even enjoy this stupid little thing.

And I might not be alone in enjoying it.

But regardless, I can't help but try to figure out why. Why? What did this come from? When? When did it happen? I don't know and I guess it's one of those unanswerable questions kind of thing. Reasons are reasons and I'll never know of them.

I've never slept so well in my entire life. In fact, I think it's impossible to fall asleep easier. I've been flogged by my sleep forever and I don't know why. I'm always at odds with sleeping and finally I got along with sleeping, even if only once.

Or twice.

BMC

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