2003-11-04 - 2:52 p.m.
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I got a fortune cookie today that read �you will be pleasantly surprised soon� and I thought to myself �It�s about time� because, honestly, I�ve been waiting for something pleasant to happen to me for a while now. I�ve been worked like a dog the past month or so, doing this and that in my spare time to help the biz out as much as I can. I lost my girlfriend on account of my stupidity. I have no energy any more and my days are spent cookie cutter fashion, with the beginning always ending with the same end and the end always starts with the same beginning. I�ve become a semi-alcoholic, moreso than I normally have been, because I haven�t had much to cheer me up and I find running away into the recesses of a drunken stupor much more comforting than gripping at my sanity as I try to lay in bed at night and wonder where this mess is all going. I�ve lost my way because I�ve closed my eyes to the things I held dear and ended up straying away from them. With my eyes open now, I don�t know where I am and where everything that made me happy has gone to. I haven�t typed even a letter towards my novel in almost 2 months now, something that should have been finished already. I feel sickly at times, not right in my skin and semi-nauseas whenever I�m awake. My mind skips between thought and insanity as I struggle to figure out how to escape my anguish, but I can only think of Erin and how lonely this world is without her. I didn�t have much when I was with her to keep me content and now I have nothing, despite my attempts to try and make myself feel better. I get happy moments, where I feel on top of the world and ready to fly into the sky, only to have that feeling dashed to the ground like a fallen bird almost in an instant from the slightest upsetting thing. I didn�t get bacon on a cheeseburger I ordered and it ruined my day. That�s not how someone should live. That�s not even sane. I�m afraid of this and I�m afraid of the end of this. I don�t like the way this is all going. It�s not my job getting me down, it�s not my loss of love, it�s not anything in particular � it�s everything. There is no major outlet for my sorrow or grief, although losing Erin comes pretty close to monopolizing it. I just don�t know how to feel happy anymore it seems and I do all I can to make others feel happy because that makes me happy, but even that has seemed to sour. Even the taste of other people�s happiness leaves the bitterest taste. I don�t know where this is all going and I don�t know when I will figure it out. I just hope nothing too rash happens, either to me or by me, that I would regret even further. I�m still here, and that�s all I know, and I�m not going anywhere. And that�s all I know.
BMC
What did you just say? - What's he gonna say next?
